Old Ad

So, as part of my portfolio creation, I'm doing a little researching/language emulsion into the world of ads from the 1930s through the 50s. I'd explain why, specifically, but then you might steal my ideas one-person-who-reads-this-blog.

I like this ad.

And this one.

Could you imagine if an ad like the "Start Soda Early" one ran today? The backlash would be insane.

Oh wait, here's something similar. Yeah, this one, too.

Seem Familiar?

Word for word, my "Resume Review" from JobFox's expert resume analyzer (?). For those who are as cynical and skeptical as I am about this kind of shit. In my opinion, nothing more than a not-so-veiled, elaborate sales pitch. Works, too, if you're the insecure, non-asshole type. Thank goodness I can be a jerk. My guess is that an intern or somebody's poor assistant at JobFox is responsible for filling in the correct items, such as "Job Title" and "Random Analogy." Just a guess, though.

Here’s the good news: my first impression of you is that you have an impressive array of skills and experiences. You’re a qualified copywriter professional with a lot to offer an employer. Now, here’s the bad news: your resume does not pass the 30 second test and the content is not up to the standards one would expect from a candidate like you. Countless studies have proven that resume quality is the key determinant as to whether a candidate is selected to be interviewed. Your resume needs a boost from a visual, content, and overall writing standpoint to engage the reader. It needs to make them want to learn more about you. I didn’t find it to be exciting, and it didn’t make me want to run to the phone to call you. In short, your resume is effectively sabotaging your job search.

Gregory, to be honest with you, I think you should view this version of your resume as a work in progress. Here are the major issues I see on your resume:

Your resume’s visual presentation

We’ve all been told that looks don’t matter as much as substance, but in the case of your resume this just isn’t true. I found your design to be visually uneven. The appearance is not polished, and it doesn’t say “up and coming Freelance Copywriter." Remember that your resume is your marketing tool. It’s the first impression a potential employer has of you. Now – think about how generic brands are marketed versus the name brand. The packaging, advertising and branding are all carefully selected to attract attention and convince you to buy. Your resume should do the same thing - you want to be the brand name product. I’m concerned that your resume is selling you like a generic, and that it’s not likely to get picked among those of other candidates. The ideal resume design is airy, clean, and uncluttered, with the effective and strategic use of white space.

The content of your resume

As I was reading your resume, I was trying to imagine myself as a hiring executive, looking for that ideal copywriter professional. When I reviewed your resume, I asked myself if I could easily pick out your key attributes, experience, skills and accomplishments. A recruiter will do this to quickly decide if you’ll be successful in the job they have open. When I read your resume, the answer to that question was “no.” Here is one of the reasons why:

For someone in the early stages of their career, an objective statement at the top of your resume makes good sense. An objective statement tells a prospective employer what position you are seeking, and should also reflect the needs of the employer, (i.e. your “value add”, what you would bring to the position and the company). An objective statement should be concise and clear, but not limit your opportunities.

From the way the resume is worded, you come across as a “doer” not an “achiever.” Too many of your job descriptions are task based and not results based. This means that they tell what you did, not what you achieved. This is a common mistake for non-professional resume writers. To be effective and create excitement, a great resume helps the hiring executive “envision” or “picture” you delivering similar achievements at his or her company. Here are some examples of task-based sentences in your resume:

• Perform various research tasks for client projects
• Conducted qualitative and quantitative research

Employers want to know about your previous contributions and specifically how you’ve made a difference. More importantly, they want to know how you are going to make a significant difference at their company

The writing on your resume

It’s far too easy to overlook errors in your resume. They could be typographical errors, verb inconsistency, punctuation errors, or misspelled words – the list goes on forever. You’ve rewritten the resume and proofed it multiple times, and your eyes and mind are tired! But errors can be the kiss of death for your resume. Recruiters are reading your resume with fresh eyes, and they’re expert at finding errors. A misspelled word or punctuation error may not seem like a big deal, but to a recruiter these errors say “unprofessional”, “sloppy” or “lazy.” This doesn’t describe you, right?

I hate to say it, but as soon as I looked at your resume, I spotted at least one of the abovementioned errors. There may be even more.

My recommendation

Your resume is selling you short, and I recommend that you make the investment in having it professionally rewritten. The competition in the job market is tough and recruiters expect a high level of refinement on your resume. You are still early in your career and I see you made the smart decision to invest time and money in a college education. Don’t drop the ball on this important last step!! You probably got help from the career service center at your college, but that is not the same as having a certified writer who specializes in crafting powerful resumes. If your resume is not as strong as the top 10% then your chances of getting the interview are slim. In spite of your education and experience, your resume will not compete well against a professionally written resume.

Most people are like you - they struggle to put themselves down on paper effectively, but that's where we come in. All the recommendations above can be combined in a cohesive, strategic manner that will make you stand out as a top candidate in your field. Our writers know how to create the “wow” factor that leads to interviews and eventually being selected for the job. Countless studies have proven that professionally written resumes get more interviews, and, if it shortens your job search by even one day, a professional resume will pay for itself.

"Your Resume is Sabotaging Your Job Search"

That may be true. And I did (supposedly) ask for a free resume consultation with the wonderful people at Jobfox.com.

Rewind.

I registered on Jobfox.com because I they had a job posting I wanted to apply to (haven't heard back...obviously). To do so, you have to fill an extremely annoying and long winded profile that takes far too long. (But then how could they judge my resume?!) Any-hoos, somewhere along the line I clicked a box that said I was interested in a free resume review by some person at Jobfox.com. Sweet. I like things that are free. I figured it might even help explain my year-long unemployment with only one interview.

Turns out, according to the lovely Peg Crits, Resume Service Consultant, I'm a great candidate that no one who reads my resume in 30 seconds will hire. Bummer. In fact, here's what Peg really things of all my achievements and hour(s) writing my resume.

We’ve all been told that looks don’t matter as much as substance, but in the case of your resume this just isn’t true. I found your design to be visually uneven. The appearance is not polished, and it doesn’t say “up and coming Freelance Copywriter." Remember that your resume is your marketing tool. It’s the first impression a potential employer has of you. Now – think about how generic brands are marketed versus the name brand. The packaging, advertising and branding are all carefully selected to attract attention and convince you to buy. Your resume should do the same thing - you want to be the brand name product. I’m concerned that your resume is selling you like a generic, and that it’s not likely to get picked among those of other candidates. The ideal resume design is airy, clean, and uncluttered, with the effective and strategic use of white space.

Ouchies. My pride. She goes on to tell me my presentation is horrible, that I come off as a "doer," not an "achiever" and blah blah blah some other bad stuff. She then tells me I should sign up for Jobfox's professional writing dealy where I shell out more money than I have so that someone else who I don't know can write my resume. OR I can take your wonderful advice, and do it myself.

OR I can go online, Google Peg Crits, and find out that aside from a few changed words (like, copywriter where I'm sure it really says "Job Title Here") and whatnot, this is really just boilerplate copy from what I can only assume is someone whose job it is to plug in the correct words and e-mail me back. In fact, I'm sure I could submit the most well-written, well-designed resume in the whole wide world and I would still get the same version of that "critique." Way to low-ball me, Jobfox. I'm glad you give me so much credit.

HOO-YEA!

A Funny Little Story

So, as you may or may not have noticed, no one reads my blog except you. Since I am well aware no one reads my blog, I was quite surprised when I saw someone had left a comment on my post about the government knowing all about your mid-day phone sex addiction (I kid). Excited that someone out in the world finally shared their thoughts with me beyond my girlfriend, who often tells me "your posts are too long," I checked out the comment.

Turns out when you put the word "Sex," or any of its derivatives or words related to such thing, spammers like to leave crummy comments trying to advertise their porn sites. Now, while I do not, in any way, discourage the viewing of internet porn, I do deem it completely unnecessary for someone to program their bots to spam my comment section with their crummy porn ads. If you're going to leave a porn ad post in the comments section, have the decency to put some tasteful visuals and maybe a witty pun in there.

Henry Paulson Decides to Tell the Truth!!! EXCLUSIVE!

Tax Cut Promises

Watching Obama's State of the Union, I can't help but comment on his tax cuts and incentives "promises" and how ridiculous this idea is. The government will run deficit spending to $1.35 trillion this fiscal year, with no sign of slowing. I realize the government is spending to stimulate the economy. It is necessary. That deficit number does not scare me because our GDP is still much higher. However, as tax revenue is basically a game of balance, my question to President Obama and his Administration is this: How are you going to make up for the lost revenue from both small and large businesses tax cuts? Because the middle and working class can't afford the squeeze. And the people who fill yours and other Democrats' re-election coffers aren't going to give you money after you raise their taxes. And we all know the working poor and poor don't have any money. That's why they're poor. So, where is it going to come from? Better auditing from the IRS? More deficit-spending? Relying on repealing the Bush Tax Cuts? Not enough.

When Reagan was in office, the income tax on the upper most bracket of earners was at 70%. Today, it is at 35% (cut in half). Which means, to make up for that difference, someone else has to pay the difference. On average, those in that bracket only pay 27-28%. For a frame of reference, you most likely pay a similar rate. So, Dude-Man Magillicutty who makes a few fresh millions each year and can afford a savvy tax accountant who finds loopholes and creates tax-dodging mechanisms pays the same rate as you do. Kind of doesn't seem fair to me.

Tax policy over the last 30 years in this country has been written by people who don't know anything about tax policy. And thus, holes have been bored into a system allowing very creative people to develop tax shelters and schemes to help their clients avoid paying most, if not all of their income taxes.

So please Obama-man, don't try to sell me snake-oil. I'm trying to become a snake-oil salesman myself.

Yikes McGikes!

Scary.

MTA Gets Dissed

I'd say this guy's comments just about sum up the execs at the MTA in NYC. I was there last weekend (Thurs-Mon.). And yes, there was a noticeable change in service. Trains not running as frequently. Buses taking forever Although, I will say, they finally replaced most of the F trains (not the B, D or V). Which was long overdue. Now all they need to do is take the trains from the 1950s off the A,C,E lines. Seriously, those things look like they made their debut on the tracks during WWI.

Check out the article here.

Old Ad

Your Government is Robbing You Blind

Well, if you live in the United States, it is. I don't know about any other countries.

Today, Timothy Geithner is going to testify before Congress about whether he helped cover up the fact that AIG did some mischievous shit to get it's bailout moneys. What that really means is that Congress will huff and puff and ask really lob-ball, neutered questions to Geithner, who will lie through his teeth and answer with non-denial denials. And while it might make some financial analysts and some of the American people content and hopeful that things will change, absolutely nothing will happen. Because what really is going on is that the same guys who helped get AIG its money are the same that are running the Fed and the same that are filling the coffers of all of Congress' re-election funds. So, while Congress might act tough and make it seem like they're actually doing something today, they are really doing nothing except blowing hot air at a guy they will be golfing with once everything is said and done.

At least since Reagan, but probably even before so, the government, both at a federal and state level, has been a shill for corporations in the United States of America. Heads of corporations and their government liaisons have been pulling the strings since the beginning of the Reagan deregulation era. Basically, what has happened is that working as an elected official at the state and federal level has become a job, a career, rather than a public service. As such, those who are elected to office, just like anyone else who has a job, does whatever is required to keep that job. As an elected official, one must campaign constantly to win re-election and thus, keep one's job. To campaign, one needs money. And while there are plenty of small donors out there who contribute to the person they desire to see in office, the majority of money comes from extremely wealthy donors and friends of the elected official, and corporations and their lobbying groups. To get said money from lobbyists, corporations and wealthy individuals, the elected official must then look out for the best interests of all of these groups over the interests of the majority of the elected officials constituents. What does that mean? Well, for the lobbyists and corporations, that means government contracts, tax breaks and incentives, voting down any regulation and restriction on those respective businesses, voting against any investigations into misgivings by these businesses and corporations. What does that mean for the wealthy individuals? Tax breaks, government contracts for their respective businesses, more tax breaks, and finally, tax breaks. What does that mean for you if you are not a corporations or wealthy individual? Well, tax revenue has to come from somewhere. So, while you might not have nearly enough money as a wealthy individual or as much profit as a corporation (especially ones who create complex mechanisms and schemes to dodge paying taxes on profits), your tax burden has done nothing but increase over the last 40 years.

This is just a small tiny little piece of the wonderful lot of information in the book, Perfectly Legal, by David Cay Johnston. I highly suggest you read it and revolt accordingly. Really, it makes me sick and will probably make you sick. Tomorrow: the de-pansting of the IRS!

Thanks, Massachusetts Voters.

It's not like this election was bigger than the confines of your state or anything.*

*I promise: No more complaining about the election from now on...on this blog.

A Good Read

I generally don't like anyone that had anything to do with Ronald Reagan's economic policy. I also don't know much more than any other non-economics major about supply-side economics. However, this op-ed is a resounding call to the government not to balk at the whiners in the banking industry about Obama's proposed tax. And I must say, I agree with the man.

Massachusetts Voters Deep-Six Healthcare Reform

Dear Massachusetts Voters: I realize you already have "universal" healthcare in your state, so you aren't all that concerned about the rest of the country, but still...fuck you.* The rest of the country now hates you even more.

Yeah, it hasn't happened yet. Healthcare reform hasn't been killed. I'm guessing it probably will be now that Scott "I drive a truck" Brown is headed to DC. (I hope he's not driving that truck to DC. I'd suggest a more fuel efficient car. A smartcar perhaps.)

While I am incredibly disappointed by the voters of Massachusetts, the healthcare bill has already been neutered of most of its real goodies. The biggest loss was the government-run alternative, which would have forced private insurers to keep costs, and thus prices, low, because what insurance companies do for around 30 cents on the dollar, the government can do it for about four. Or something like that. I didn't check that, but it sounds about right. Funny thing about that competition-inducing aspect of the bill getting cut; last time I checked, Republicans were all about letting every business fail because this is a capitalist country, and in a capitalist country, the weak and poorly-run businesses fail. It's all part of the competition! They don't get bailouts and they don't get special breaks just because they are huge mega-companies that employ thousands and generate huge revenues and whatnot.

Except for when those companies are health insurance providers. In that case, competition must be stymied. Lest the government do a better job than private insurers at their own specialty and run them out of business. Yeah, I know. It's the principle of the matter: Government is already too huge and spending too much money** and should stay out of the private relationships between doctors, patients and insurance companies. I don't buy that argument for a single moment. My reasoning is twofold: health insurance companies pump money into politicians like food manufacturers pump high fructose corn syrup into everything they manufacture. AND it seems to be a bit hypocritical for Republicans to be so concerned with the privacy of my relationship with my doctor, but have absolutely no concern with invading the privacy of homosexual couples who try to wed/adopt a baby/express their love for each other. OR the privacy of someone who decides to get an abortion. But, I digress.

The bigger question out of all of this is, who honestly thought Coakley was a good bet for the Democrats? From what I've heard, she's about as fun to work with as a rabid wolverine and has the personality of a bag of garbage. Then again, what politician really is fun to work with?

And another thing: Way to continue the legacy of Ted Kennedy and his fight for affordable health insurance coverage for all Americans, citizens of Massachusetts. The guy spent his entire political career trying to pass affordable, universal healthcare for all citizens of the US, and you hand the filibuster-proof vote to a Republican who will not only vote against healthcare reform, but also thinks hospitals should NOT provide any emergency contraceptive care to rape victims.

Woo-hoo regressive politics.

*Apologies to a) my friends who live in Massachusetts & b) those who voted for Coakley

**Don't get me started on that bullshit

This about sums up how I feel about you, Massachusetts voters who elected Scott Brown.

The Government Knows All About Your Mid-Day Phone Sex Addiction

The AP is reporting that from 2002 to 2006, the FBI made up bogus terror threats to win approval for gathering the phone records of US citizens. Sometimes, they didn't even bother making up terror threats, they were just really really mean to the phone companies, who turned over the records. So, unfortunately, Dick Cheney now knows all about your insatiable desires and inability to not call Cinnamon while on your lunch break...if you still have a job that requires you to take a lunch break.

XBOX 360: The New Cable Box

Interesting article about things I didn't know existed. Namely, original TV-show-like content available only to subscribers of XBox Live. Sounds lame, except that these shows, at times, can draw audience numbers comparable to some cable stations. Which is quite impressive. Watch out conventional TV!

My Year on Unemployment

In two weeks and two days, my one year anniversary of losing my job will be upon me. I don't really know how I feel about it just yet. I think it has been a mixed blessing. But I'm kind of tired of being unemployed. It really has a lot of qualities and characteristics that I do not enjoy. Like, a lack of funds. A feeling of inadequacy and uselessness. It has provided me the opportunity to do stand-up comedy. Which I REALLY like doing. I've had lots o'time to work on my portfolio, as well as other ideas and thingies that are fun. Still...a whole year of joblessness kind of blows.

I am quite the thankful guy for having family and friends to fall back on. A lot of people don't, and are jobless with mountains of debt and no where to turn. All in all, I could be in a lot worse shape.

But I suppose what is bothering me the most about my current situation, and I'm sure it is bothering many of my unemployed brethren, is this talk that the recession is coming to an end. People like yours truly look at the bank bailouts, the auto bailouts, the everybody gets a bailout bailouts, we see the stock market back up above 10,000 and rising, we see giant bonuses from the ass hats whose jobs were saved with government money, and it makes the chip on the shoulder even bigger. People are still suffering. People have no where to turn. The hope they, and I, put in the Obama Administration to hold those responsible for the economic shitstorm to the fire is pretty much gone. When hope is gone, what's left?

Seems like a mighty good time for some kind of revolution amongst the "proletariat." Since we're about to be socialist anyway (according to this guy), I think some old-fashioned Marxist revolution might be in order.

Or someone could placate me and hire me. Either way.

Latest Development in the McGwire Story

Apparently, some previously unreleased photos have surfaced of some of the transformations Mark McGwire's body went through as a result of steroid and HGH use. From some underground, hidden source, I was able to obtain one of the photos. It is a little graphic, and some of the changes are a little subtle. But if you look closely, I promise you will be able to see a few of the changes. Hide the children, though. This is a little unnerving.

1-0-0-% truthful.*

(*may not be entirely truthful)

A-MAZ-ING

Every time I see this ad, I laugh. Yeah, I realize it's a serious issue if you're dying, near the dying age, or paranoid about dying. I realize there are families left out in the wind when a loved one dies unexpectedly and that's not fun for anyone. But seriously. This is just a ridiculous ad. And an awful one.

(No worries, folks. I've been unemployed for a year and am living with my parents again in NH. Karmic Justice preempted me on finding this ad funny.)

Truthiness (yeah i Stole that from Colbert) is the theme lately

A recent study came out stating that antidepressants don't work for a lot of people. I suggest reading this article before making any sort of final judgments regarding such things.

The study offers misleading information. Or at least the way people have interpreted the results has been misleading. It seems the general understanding is that this study proves that antidepressants don't work. For anyone. Which both anecdotally and in comprehensive studies has been shown to not be true. They work for people with chronic mild to moderate depression and those that suffer from severe depression. They are even more effective when combined with psychotherapy.

Antidepressants DON'T work for those who suffer relatively minor or short term setbacks, say loss of a loved one. Not to belittle the grief someone feels from losing a loved one, but what studies have found is that grief and sadness and depression are different. What does work is grief counseling and therapy.

The most amazing website ever!

This is quite possibly the best, and most accurate, website* I have ever visited. It disseminates vital, accurate information for any and all. With every last tiny cell in my body, I recommend every single person in the known universe with any sort of taste for the truth, go to this website. You will NOT regret it. It will change your life, forever.

http://www.isnickelbacktheworstbandever.com/

As a somewhat related aside, Chad Kroeger is easily the ugliest lead singer of a rock band. I offer this one photograph I found on Google as evidence to that fact.

*Thanks to Evan for sharing this wonderful website with me

Marijuana

Just legalize it already. Get it over with and just do it. If you really want to make sure that the US makes out by doing so, give pharma companies a heads-up that you're going to legalize drugs so they can figure out how to make the best kind and keep the profits in the US. But enough of wasting everyone's time and money. Legalize it already.

In fact, legalize all recreational drugs.

McGwire Used Steroids. No Shit.

If this is a surprise to you, it is possible you've been living in a cave or don't know a single thing about popular sports in America. Either way, I don't judge you. The important thing is that Mark McGwire, who lied to Congress, a federal offense punishable with hard prison time, will not do a single day in prison, despite the fact that his perjury is on video tape. He won't even face a trial. He won't get probation, won't have to pay a fine; nothing will happen to Mark McGwire, despite the fact that be willingly committed a federal crime. Anybody else would go to prison. Not Mark McGwire.

Can we change that nifty slogan to justice only for those who aren't liked by a lot of people, aren't famous, and/or aren't rich.

No. What am I thinking? That's way too long.

How about: Justice for Few.

Or,

Justice for None.

'cuz I'm feelin' in a revolutionary, cynical mood.

Read This. Panic May Ensue.

Opinions can be scary, sometimes.

Easily One of the Most Despicable Things I've Ever Read

Makes you want to vomit in anger. Or perhaps lash out. Or yell. Or drink. Or do whatever it is you do when you're angry.

Check out the article here.

Pete Carroll's Memory is Broken

Or so I assume so. He just signed a deal with the Seattle Seahawks to become their new head coach, thus abandoning the USC Football program amidst an ongoing investigation into rules violations regarding Reggie Bush, who is also no longer at USC. I have no problem with college coaches moving up for bigger contracts in the NFL. But when your first venture into the NFL was a disastrous shit-show when you were hired to coach a successful New England Patriots and turned them into a shitty non-contender, going back to coach a team that is already a shitty non-contender after they just fired a coach who was there for ONE SEASON might not be the best career move.

Of course, for that kind of money, I'd coach the Seahawks, too. Not the Oakland Raiders. Never the Oakland Raiders. Not until Al Davis is...gone.

Why would you leave this for Seattle?

First Post of the New Year

...is going to be a lame one. Because I have no idea what to write about. Which is why I haven't posted in a while. So, I suppose I'll just write some random things until I get bored or something strikes me as interesting.

There's a new documentary out now called "Lemonade," which profiles 16 (I think) people who were laid off from various advertising positions and went on to follow their true passions. One guy became a coffee roaster, another made the movie (after being laid of 3 times in 10 years), another guy became a woman. Part of me wants to buy this movie, partly to support my unemployed brethren, partly as a lesson in what I should be doing with my time, as my one-year jobless anniversary* is fast-approaching. The final part of me says not spend any money unnecessarily and to find a way to watch the movie without spending money because I don't have a full-time job.

From the same blog (makethelogobigger.blogspot.com) that I found that nifty youtube clip above comes this article. It basically states that German researchers have determined that men who stare at boobs live longer because the sexual excitement they feel while staring at boobs increases blood flow and heart rate, which they claim, if done enough, is equivalent to 30 minutes of aerobic exercise**. While I do believe this has the potential to be a crock of shit, I'm going to follow the advice of the German scientists and stare at boobs as often as I can. I feel that I owe it to myself and my loved ones who don't want to see me die to do everything I can to prolong my life. If that means I have to stare at boobs to do it, then so be it.

*I don't count my part-time work

**Not in the calorie-burning sense, just the intensity of blood flow

Just Doing My Part