Committing Myself to Commitments

For those of you that are unaware, I have indeed made my triumphant (?) return to the confines of the great City of New York, with the goals of tackling any and all creative endeavors I have ever dreamed of doing. Yet, as soon as I got here, I found myself swamped with extraneous bullshit that left with little time and less energy to take on any of these goals. After becoming extremely frustrated and depressed, with the help of some excellent friends I have arisen with a determination to not give a fuck about the superfluous shit that flows in and out of my life on a typical day and just get shit done. As part of this determination, I am committing myself to fulfilling my commitments. One of those being to post at least one blog entry every day.

Of course, this subject is pretty much a total cop-out. I had other ideas, but writing about my commitment to write seemed easiest, so I'm rolling with it. And while I'm sure in about four or five days, this commitment will become incredibly annoying, I'm trying to see the more positive aspects about it:

1. Getting to write long-winded, convoluted prose that is dense and not always easy to understand. I don't get to do this all that often because the fields I'm trying to break into shun this type of writing because it doesn't make money. The general idea, and I'm not always one to disagree, is that most people are stupid and/or ignorant and/or don't have enough time/patience to actually READ something. They just want to skim and get the general gist of an idea. I don't blame them. I don't even have a full-time job and I often find myself pressed for time. I also sleep a lot.

2. Honing my writing skills. Just like any other skill, the more you do it, the better you become. So, in theory, writing a post a day about something, anything really, will make me a better writer.

3. The challenge of coming up with a topic every day. As with the writing skills, generating ideas, especially good ones, is a skill that if worked on consistently, can become a real asset. It's not so much that you generate better ideas than you would have otherwise, it's that you generate those great ideas faster. Rather than having to knock out all of the stupid, bullshit ideas for an hour before something even half-way decent comes around, you can almost train your brain to bypass those idiotic ideas right away and skip to the good stuff. A major asset in advertising, joke-writing, really any creative writing.

4. Writing well enough and picking interesting topics might actually get people to read/follow my blog. Which would certainly build my social-networking cred. As much as I may think social media capabilities are given to much credence by employers these days, proving that I have some skill in attracting attention will help me get a job doing something a little more intellectually stimulating.

I'm moderately excited about staying committed to my commitments and following through on my goals. For those that know me, moderate excitement is a big step for me. And I've never been all that great at sticking with long-term, every-day kind-of-goals. So, this will be a challenge. But, I like challenges. And overcoming this challenge will be a huge benefit, no matter which way it breaks.

Hope to see you back here soon.

Freedom of Religion in These United States*

So, apparently, in this country, Christianity is just a religion, but Islam is an ultra-extremist political movement, even when it's not. I'm so glad my fellow country-mates are so tolerant and open-minded. Makes me proud to be an American.

Get over yourselves, folks. Murfreesboro, TN is not the next breeding/training grounds for militant Islam. And despite being somewhat close to Nashville, I'm pretty sure that wonderful city is not tops on the list for targets. Just sayin'. I'm pretty sure there isn't this much fervor when a mission opens up a church in a non-Christian country and accuses them of being subversive terrorists. Of course, I don't live in other countries. I live in this one. And this type of bullshit makes me ashamed.

Not every Muslim is a terrorist. Not every terrorist is a Muslim. In fact, most Muslims aren't terrorists. And if you keep faithful, moderate, or even conservative Muslims from opening a safe place for them to pray, you just radicalize them. And then they become terrorists. Maybe.

Attempt #3

Okay. Every time I try to post my "Personality Profile," it gets mussed up somehow. So, I'm doing this the old fashioned way.

Retyped, word for word, without permission, my "Personality Profile" from eHarmony; i.e. The "reason" they couldn't find me any matches.

Introduction to Agreeableness.

This section of your profile describes your interactions with other people. The ways we communicate our feelings, beliefs and ideas to others are influenced by our cultural backgrounds, the way we were raised, and sometimes which side of the bed we got up on this morning. Some of us are very mindful of others making decisions we hope will be in their best interests, even if it means sometimes neglecting our own interests. Others of us believe each person should be responsible for themselves, taking deep pride in our own character and independence with a firm belief that others are best served by doing the same. The following describes how you engage with others; illustrating the dimension of your personality that determines your independence or your desire to reach out and touch others in meaningful ways.

You Are Best Described As:

USUALLY TAKING CARE OF YOURSELF

Words That Describe You:

Perceptive, realistic, demanding, down-to-earth, hardnosed, judgmental, pragmatic, skeptical

A General Description of How You Interact With Others

You are clearly a compassionate person; you believe you should do unto others as you would have them do unto you, and you know that friends help their friends. But with you compassion is just one side of the coin; the other being a side that also expects others to hold up their end of the bargain. So you help others but it is with the expectation that others don't take advantage of you or try to put one over on you. In short, you expect others to treat you as you treat them.

And for those people who do ask for help when they should have taken responsibility for themselves? This is the time when your more hard-edged side comes out. You are skeptical of people when they expect others to bail them out of trouble; if they got themselves into the bind, they should work their way out of the trouble. If it's an emergency, or if it's a friend who has been there for you when you have had hard times, you are there in a quick minute. But you are a discerning person and to you there is a big difference between an emergency and a self-inflicted wound. You just look at the fact: how the situation developed, how serious the situation, and how they can or cannot get through things on their own. The history you have with the person and with similar situations will inform you whether this is or is not the time for you to get involved.

You also have some limits when it comes to being with people. Sure some people need to be with others all the time and seem to get recharged by helping out most anyone else. But that's not you. You know that you do best if you spend a fair amount of time on your own. Not that you are a lone, just that time spent by yourself is not wasted at all with you. You've come to understand that if you don't take good care of yourself, eventually you'll be not goo to anyone, including yourself and others.

So your compassion is tempered by realism. Your sympathy for people in trouble is balanced by a critical evaluation of how they got themselves to the place they are. And you've learned to take good care of yourself, so you have something to give to your friends or others truly in need.

Negative Reactions Others May Have Toward You

Some people may see your practical style as lacking compassion. When your compassion is tempered, as it is at times by your discerning questions and careful consideration, it may seem to some like you have too much head and too little heart. And when you use time and energy to take care of yourself there will inevitably be some who see you as selfish and uncaring. But your approach is neither heady nor selfish. It is you. And unless your approach is causing you consistent problems in important relationships, there is really no reason to change. Your distinctive manner of having clear expectations for the relationships in which you will exert your energy is true to the core of you.

Positive Reactions Others May Have Toward You

The truth is that most people respect someone who knows themselves and what they want. So even if some people don't get exactly what they want from you often they will leave with a deeper respect for you. Your frank and honest approach may help someone to help themselves when they didn't think this was possible, and they wind up better off: they're out of trouble, they did it on their own, and they have you to thank. And you were, again, true to yourself.

The Reason E-Harmony "Rejected" Me.

Reprinted here, without permission, in its entirety, the "Personality Report" eHarmony sent me.

ntroduction to Agreeableness

This section of your profile describes your interactions with other people. The ways we communicate our feelings, beliefs and ideas to others are influenced by our cultural backgrounds, the way we were raised, and sometimes which side of the bed we got up on this morning. Some of us are very mindful of others making decisions we hope will be in their best interests, even if it means sometimes neglecting our own interests. Others of us believe each person should be responsible for themselves, taking deep pride in our own character and independence with a firm belief that others are best served by doing the same. The following describes how you engage with others; illustrating the dimension of your personality that determines your independence or your desire to reach out and touch others in meaningful ways.

You are best described as:

USUALLY TAKING CARE OF YOURSELF

Words that describe you:

Perceptive Realistic Demanding Down-to-Earth Hardnosed Judgmental Pragmatic Skeptical

A General Description of How You Interact with Others

You are clearly a compassionate person; you believe that you should do unto others as you would have them do unto you, and you know that friends help their friends. But with you compassion is just one side of the coin; the other being a side that also expects others to hold up their end of the bargain. So you help others but it is with the expectation that others don't take advantage of you or try to put one over on you. In short, you expect others to treat you as you treat them. And for those people who do ask for help when they should have taken responsibility for themselves? This is the time when your more hard-edged side comes out. You are skeptical of people when they expect others to bail them out of trouble; if they got themselves into the bind, they should work their way out of the trouble. If it's an emergency, or if it's a friend who has been there for you when you have had hard times, you are there in a quick minute. But you are a discerning person and to you there is a big difference between an emergency and a self-inflicted wound. You just look at the facts: how the situation developed, how serious the situation, and how they can or cannot get through things on their own. The history you have with the person and with similar situations will inform you whether this is or is not a time for you to get involved. You also have some limits when it comes to being with people. Sure some people need to be with others all the time and seem to get recharged by helping out most anyone else. But that's not you. You know that you do best if you spend a fair amount of time on your own. Not that you are a loner, just that time spent by yourself is not wasted at all with you. You've come to understand that if you don't take good care of yourself, eventually you'll be not good to anyone, including yourself or others. So your compassion is tempered by realism. Your sympathy for people in trouble is balanced by a critical evaluation of how they got themselves to the place they are. And you've learned to take good care of yourself, so you have something to give to your friends or others truly in need.

Negative Reactions Others May Have Toward You

Some people may see your practical style as lacking compassion. When your compassion is tempered, as it is at times by your discerning questions and careful consideration, it may seem to some like you have too much head and too little heart. And when you use time and energy to take care of yourself there will inevitably be some who see you as selfish and uncaring. But your approach is neither heady nor selfish. It is you. And unless your approach is causing you consistent problems in important relationships, there is really no reason to change. Your distinctive manner of having clear expectations for the relationships in which you will exert your energy is true to the core of you.

Positive Responses Others May Have Toward You

The truth is that most people respect someone who knows themselves and what they want. So even if some people don't get exactly what they want from you often they will leave with a deeper respect for you. Your frank and honest approach may help someone to help themselves when they didn't think this was possible, and they wind up better off: they're out of trouble, they did it on their own, and they have you to thank. And you were, again, true to yourself.

But At Least They Explained to Me Why...

Apparently, I'm a compassionate asshole. At least according to their romance-science.

Rejected by e-Harmony.

iTunes/My iPod Want Me to Be Depressed.

They seem to have an affinity as of late for playing the following songs:

The Black Keys - Lies (Attack & Release)

The Black Keys - Things Ain't Like They Used to Be (Attack & Release)

Easily the two most depressing songs on the album. Thanks, Apple. I got it covered.

Simple Pleasures

In no particular order:

Sleeping on fresh sheets on my bed.

The word "duty" (or "doody")

Holding hands with a significant other*

*Don't care if that makes me sounds gay/like a woman. I like it.

An Interesting Bit of History

John Brown, of Harpers Ferry fame, was close friends with former slave, Frederick Douglass and tried to convince Douglass to join him on his attempt to raid Harpers Ferry in Virginia. The idea was that Brown and his men would raid the arms depot at Harpers Ferry to supply freed and escaped slaves with weapons to begin a second American Revolution in which all slaves would be freed by force Brown was subsequently charged with treason and murder and was hanged for his crimes.

I can't even imagine how different things would have been if Douglass had gone with Brown.

The Weird Thing to Miss About College

As odd as it may be, the thing I miss most about the academic side of college is the debating of my political science and philosophy classes. Being able to look across the room or across the row, or even up to the front of the room at someone who does not agree with you, and probably never will, but that will sensibly* argue with you until one of you has poked so many holes in the other's line of reasoning that there is nothing left to debate. I particularly enjoyed playing devil's advocate in class. I often times had my own view of things, but found immense joy in doing whatever I could to counter the logic and reasoning of my classmates to show them they were wrong. Rarely did I ever put forth my own opinions and theories unless I had ample and seemingly foolproof arguments to back it up. And even then I didn't like to tip my hand to show how I really felt. I just enjoyed listening to and partaking in the intelligent discussion of ideas and theories and the passion that people had for what they believed in. Everyone had access to the same information and everyone was pretty much on the same level of logical reasoning skills. It always made for an exciting time.

This, unfortunately, is much harder to do outside of the world of academia. People's access to information and their desire to know what they are stating as arguments is actually true is not the same. Most people seem to have no fear that they might be wrong and thus double check information before they make claims. Most people are not open to new ideas, new lines of reasoning, new points of view on things they have set their minds on believing. It seems most people can't keep their passion for their ideas separate from their own emotions. Anything critical or in conflict must be eradicated or ignored and taken as a personal attack. Intelligent discussions become limited. Even those capable of having them avoid them for fear of offending someone. So, instead, they gossip and I just keep to myself.

The Roots ft. Jim Jones of Monsters of Folk - How I Got Over - Track 3 - "Dear God 2.0"

Dear God, I'm trying hard to reach you.

Dear God, I see your face in all I do.

Sometimes, it's hard to believe in,

But God, I know you have your reasons.

They said He's busy, hold the line please

Call me crazy, I thought maybe He could mind read

Who does the blind lead?

Show me a sign please

If everything is made in China, are we Chinese?

And why do haters separate us like we Siamese?

Technology turning the planet into zombies

Every body all in everybody's dirty laundry

Acid rain, earthquakes, hurricanes, tsunamis

Terrorists, crime sprees, assaults and robberies

Cops yellin' stop, freeze

Shoot him before he try to leave

Air quality so foul I got to try to breathe

Endangered species, and we runnin' out of trees

If I could hold the world in the palm of these

hands, I would probably do away with these anomalies

Every body checking for the new award nominee

Wars and atrocities, look at all the poverty

Ignoring all the prophecies, more beef than broccoli

Corporate monopoly, weak world economy

Stock market topplin'

Mad marijuana, oxycontin and klonopin

Every body out of it

Well I've been thinking about

And I've been breaking it down

Without an answer

I know I'm thinking out loud

But if you're lost and around

Why do we suffer?

Why do we suffer?

Yeah...it's me, still one of your biggest fans

I get off work, right back to work again

I probably need to go ahead and have my head exam

Look at how they got me on the Def Jam payment plan

Well, I'm in the world of entertainment and

trying to keep a singing man sane for the paying fans

If I don't make it through the night, slight change of plans

Harp strings, angel wings and praying hands

Lord, forgive me for my shortcomings

For going on tour and ignoring the court summons

All I'm trying to do is live my life to the fullest

They sent my daddy to you in a barrage of bullets

Why is the world ugly when you made it in your image?

And why is living life such a fight to the finish?

For this high percentage, when the sky's the limit

A second is a minute, and every hour is infinite

Dear God, I've been trying hard to reach you

Dear God, I see your face in all I do

Sometimes, it's so hard to believe in

Birthdays.

My birthday is in one month to the day. I will be 25. I will weep.

With the exception of a pretty decent 22nd and a slightly above average 23rd, most of my birthday parties since I was 12 have sucked. That is not meant as a critique on the company of anyone who spent my birthday with me during any of those times. It's kind of just a statement of my feelings about the whole birthday party situation.

I don't remember my 13th through 17th, 19th or 20th. My 18th, only a few people showed up because I happened to end up in a fairly significant fight with my closest friends the week before. (Jokes on them, I don't even talk to them anymore!) My 21st was just downright pathetic. My 22nd was a relaxed and enjoyable affair as was my 23rd. My 24th was useless.

This, the beginning of my 25th year alive, will be the same. Well, sort of. Rather than celebrate my birthday, I'm going to watch three different couples get married and make $380 while doing it. Because rather than bother planning another disappointing birthday party, I'm going to work. And once I'm done working, I'm going to cry myself to sleep and wonder what it is I'm doing with my life. I figure this way, I'll at least know going into it that the whole thing will suck, rather than get my hopes up that the celebration will finally be a good one and end up disappointed again.

Depressing? You bet!

Distractions.

I've been watching a lot of The Simpsons as of late (for those of you who know me, that means I'm actually busting out my seasons on DVD more than once a week). I came across this great exchange:

WOMAN: Did something crawl down your throat and die?

BARNEY: It didn't die.

Not funny to you. HI-larious to me.

The increased frequency has mostly been as a distraction to take my mind off of all of the crummy, sucktastic things that have been going on. Put another way, it's hard for me to think about things and live inside my own head (which I also do a lot), when I can become completely enthralled in Season 4 and 5 (perhaps the two best seasons) of The Simpsons. Add to that a dash of "my-website-still-doesn't-fucking-work-and-I-don't-know-why" and the fact that my brother recently got Rockband for the Wii, and I'm in distraction Heaven. In fact, it's almost like all of the crummy, sucktastic things have gone away.

Except they haven't.

But that's not the point. The point is that I can't seem to get things done because when I try to do creative work (portfolio, web show, writing and drawing in general) I can work for about a half-hour before I get pulled back into the vortex of suckitude. And then my brain is rendered useless as all I can think about are the crummy, sucktastic things. Which in itself perpetuates the problem, because part of what is so shitty is that I STILL don't have a job-worthy portfolio and thus must still work in retail. But I can't focus because unlike most people, I can't compartmentalize my mind and stow away what I'm feeling. Well, maybe if my full-time job was as a copywriter working in advertising, I'd be able to forget the personal life stuff and lose myself in my work. But that's not the case. The most intellectually challenging thing I face at work is figuring out the best way to not yell at a customer.

What importance does this have in the grand scheme of things? Nothing. This is totally and completely a woe-is-me post. Hopefully in a few minutes I'll feel better.

My Own Mortality.

So it was brought to my attention recently (thanks, mom) that the lump on each of my legs might be cysts or, if I'm really unlucky, cancer.

I've had these lumps for years. They first showed up on college and at first, only showed up when I was putting a strain on my leg muscles. Now, at least the one on my left leg, is apparent almost all the time. It's small, squishy and really just feels like a weird void where there's supposed to be some muscle.

The point of this post though, if there is one, is that to deal with this (most likely) innocuous threat to my life, I have deferred to humor and not-taking-it-seriously. In fact, that's how I deal with most harm or bad stuff that comes my way. When I got laid off, everyone else in the office was upset. I spent the time cleaning out my desk and laughing at everyone who had to go back to the office on Monday. I made jokes and poked fun. I had a merry-good-time making an exaggerated exit. (Low and behold, they won in the end because I've been out of work for a year and a half.) It was really only until the next week or so I realized the serious magnitude of what had happened. That seems to be how I work. The first couple days after something awful happens, I do surprisingly well (especially given my general disposition and outlook). Then all of a sudden, the brevity of the situation starts to hit me and I tumble down into a rut. That being said, I expect "potential cancer rut" to hit sometime around the end of the month. Or maybe closer to when I go to get them checked out. Which won't be for another month. Because new patients REQUIRE a physical. And if you know anything about the way most doctors work, they only schedule physicals on certain days at certain times. And if your schedule doesn't fit around those certain days, you have to wait until the next time. Well, my schedule didn't fit, so I get to wait a month to find out if I am dying any faster than normal.

And I get to pay for it all myself, because I have no health insurance.

Where's that public option when you need it?

Barry.

This is a picture of me and my most favorite rat in the whole wide world, Barry. Barry is actually a Professor of All-Things Rat, which is an impressive title for a rat of only a couple years of age. He likes to smell things and wander around looking for food. Sometimes, he likes to escape from his cage, hoard some Triscuits and steal receipt paper to play with later. Once, he pooped on me. After that we didn't talk for a week, but I forgave him because he's a rat, and my friend. Friends fight sometimes, like when they poop on each other or one of them bites the other while he's trying to feed him, but they get over it and move on. That's what makes them such good friends, like me and Barry.

I like to hold Barry and scratch behind his ears. He seems to like it, too, but sometimes he gets fidgety and wants to crawl around and explore. I usually let him, but I'm kind of allergic to him, so sometimes I break out in hives. Barry is adorable and sometimes he sneezes, which is bad for him but really cute to me. If Barry and I could live together forever, that would be awesome.

Very Funny. And True.

This sums up just about every magazine for women ever published.

Balding: The Upsides

1. I use WAY less shampoo then you.

2. Conditioner isn't even on my radar.

3. I never have bed head.

4. Except for maybe wrinkled clothes or smell, no one can tell I haven't showered.

5. I never pay for haircuts.

6. The hair I do have is oh so soft.

7. My haircuts take 15, 20 minutes tops.

8. Regardless of decade, I'm pretty much always in style.

9. I never have to ask, "Does my hair look okay?"

Tea Partiers

I keep hearing clips and reading articles that quote Tea Party-ers saying that it is time to "Take the Country Back!" I am just wondering: Who are you taking the country back from? Who took the country from you in the first place? I'm pretty sure the country has been here all along for all of us. When my politics were falling on deaf ears, I didn't want to "Take the Country Back," I wanted to vote my guy in so my politics wouldn't fall on deaf ears. No one took your country. The US is still here.

A Thought.

I want to get a "WWSPD" bracelet, which would stand for "What Would Sarah Palin Do" so that when I'm befuddled about what course of action I should take, I can look at the bracelet, think of what Sarah Palin would do, then do something that isn't even remotely related to what she would do. It may not be the best guidance system, but it would at least give me a jumping-off point.

They wrote out the year in case you can't read numbers.

Awesome.

50 Things I Would Do on a Gorgeous, 80-degree Saturday Before I'd Think to Go Shopping at Old Navy

A List By Greg.

1. Go to the beach.

2. Go to the park.

3. Have a picnic.

4. Have a BBQ.

5. Read outside.

6. Play catch with a friend (baseball, football, lacrosse, etc.)

7. Play basketball.

8. Play tennis.

9. Kick a soccer ball around.

10. Play golf.

11. Play mini-golf.

12. Go to the batting cages.

13. Go for a bike ride.

14. Go for a walk.

15. Drink beer on the front porch.

16. Drink beer on the back porch.

17. Write stuff outside.

18. Draw stuff outside.

19. Do some yard work.

20. Play baseball.

21. Play whiffle ball.

22. Play kick ball.

23. Play dodgeball.

24. Play volleyball.

25. Sit and soak up the sun.

26. Go for a drive.

27. Go to the zoo.

28. Go to an outdoor cafe.

29. Go to an outdoor restaurant.

30. Go to a bar with outdoor seating.

31. Get some ice cream from the local ice cream shop.

32. Get some frosty chocolate milkshakes.

33. Drink some lemonade on the front porch while enjoying the casual spring breeze.

34. Hook up the TV outside and watch a movie.

35. Play beer pong in the front yard.

36. Play rugby.

37. Play flag football.

38. Play two-hang-touch football.

39. Play tackle football.

40. Clean out the garage.

41. Take the dog for a long walk.

42. Go for a jog.

43. Go for a run.

44. Walk around in circles.

45. Catch toads.

46. Take a nap on a lawn chair.

47. Go swimming.

48. Split a 6-pack of beer with a good friend and watch the sun set behind the sky line of Manhattan from your apartment building's roof.

49. Enjoy some yummy beer shakes on the porch/deck/balcony/roof.

50. Fucking anything that I could possibly think of to do outside because it is 80 degrees in April in New England and more likely than not, Old Navy will be there open for business the next time it fucking rains. There was absolutely no need to shop today, vile cretins. No need.

I am slowly learning Final Cut.

My first "completed" project. Thanks, friend.

Evil Homer.

Enjoy.

Erykah Badu

I've never really listened to her music beyond her appearances on The Roots albums. After reading about "the controversy" surrounding her new video, I checked it out. I like the song. And not just because she takes off her clothes.

I have a question.

Can someone please tell me where all of these Tea-Party-ers get all this free time during the day to protest and harass members of government and, as they said they plan to do, ruin ousted officials personal lives by following them around all day preventing them from getting jobs or whatever? Unless they're out of work.

In which case, why are they fighting bills that are meant to help them?

Oh right, they can't think for themselves. The Almighty Sarah Palin says they shouldn't support this stuff, and we all know she's a pro at the whole government/politics business. I mean, its so obvious that she's had personal experience with poverty, being uninsured and having to work 3-5 jobs at once just to pay bills and put food on the table. What's that? She hasn't? Oh.

Ashamed to Be an American

Yeah. I fucking wrote it. So what. When things like this are still going on:

A spokeswoman for Democratic Whip Jim Clyburn, D-S.C., said a protester spit on Rep. Emanuel Cleaver, D-Mo., who is also black.

"I heard people saying things today that I have not heard since March 15, 1960, when I was marching to try to get off the back of the bus," Clyburn told reporters.

Freedom of speech is awesome. Without it, I wouldn't be able to write most of the stuff I send out into the world and I definitely wouldn't be able to say most of the things I say. But I hang my head in shame knowing that as an American I am part of this unfounded ignorance and bigotry. That people live and breathe this kind of hatred every day like nothing is wrong with it. Simply despicable.

An Open Letter to All Elected Officials

This most recent healthcare debate is ground zero for what has gone horrible wrong in politics. What should be rightfully characterized as a progressive reform act (in this case, healthcare reform), has been twisted, contorted, reframed and abstracted into the inaccurate depiction of being socialist. This stems from the devastating mutation that politics has undergone over the past three decades. The current political landscape is an aberration of what it used to be. And while I do my best to not pretend that I know what the Founding Fathers of this country intended for us outside of their own writings, I do not think it would be too far from the truth to think some of them would've tried to incite some kind of revolution. (Read the Federalist Papers. According to those, it is our duty to overthrow the government when it no longer functions for the greater good of its citizens. See right now.)

This is the case because, rather than work for the greater good of the people, career politicians (in and of itself a term that should be an oxymoron) do what is necessary to keep their jobs. They shy away from controversy and spout empty rhetoric while doing whatever they can to make the other guy look bad. No one wins an election anymore. Other people lose and their opponents take over by default. It is sickening. American Politics has become a system of failure. Instead of true compromise and authentic bipartisanship, we have the party out of power doing whatever they can to sabotage and undermine the party in power in the hopes that come election-time, the party out of power can sweep the party in power, out of power. And then the cycle repeats. This most recent health bill is a prime example. I will concede that there is plenty more the Democrats could have done to include the Republicans and work out many a compromise to make everyone happy. But the simple fact of the matter is that the Republicans complaining the most about this bill had one idea: Tort Reform. Outside of that, they had nothing. No reasonable, actionable plans that would have made any sort of significant effect on the cost of healthcare to the individual citizen or the government. They made no serious effort to reconcile their differences with the Democrats. Instead, they have done their absolute best to sabotage, mislead, confuse and distort the process and the message so that the Democrats are forced to beat the issue to death in the media, then continue to beat it after its dead to the point where the general public is just plain sick of hearing it. And they still might end up with no bill, no reform; just a lot of resentful voters eager to get rid of the "failures" in office. I sincerely hope this does not happen this time.

On the topic of the current state of American Politics, elected officials from both parties should be mindful of what is taking place. Despite the drone-like behavior of the tea-partyers and birthers and other sects of ultra/mega/uber conservatives, their message of cleaning out all of the career politicians and starting from scratch is not falling on deaf ears. There are many an American voter who are cynical, resentful and all in all fed up with what they have seen transpire over the last three decades and how little of what they believe in actually makes it into bills. Separated, these various groups are inconsequential. Given time, money, motivation, and most importantly, numbers, these seemingly disparate partners could find a common cause in cleaning house (no pun intended) and electing "regular joe/jane" types who are not extremely wealthy and who actually WANT to do things that benefit their constituents (not constituent corporations). Do I think this will happen? Probably not. Most of the factions can't find enough common ground. But I am not ruling it out. Nor do I rule out the possibility of an armed uprising. With the strict laws regarding personal ownership and use of firearms being reviewed by the Supreme Court, the concept that a group of "wronged" citizens taking matters to the next level is not entirely far-fetched. I don't condone it, but I would understand if it happened.

Good to See Murray has a New Gig.

Murray (aka Rhys Darby) of Flight of the Conchords and stand-up comedy fame has a new gig as the pitchman for HP. Shilling for a brand? Always a good career move. If I could, I would shill for lots of brands. Because I believe in so many brands? No. Because it pays well (usually).

Link here.

New Palm Commercial

Nothing stunning here, except that the commercial features a Mos Def track, which is AWESOME. The album this song is from is amazing. Highly recommend it. Arguably the best hip-hop album of 2009, regardless of the what the douches at the Grammy's have to say.

Jon Stewart Explains How the US Government Now Works Exclusively for Corporations.

Clip here. Learn and enjoy. It is simply amazing.

I am so ashamed to be American.

THIS IS WHY OTHER COUNTRIES HATE US!

There are millions of men, women and children all over this world, including this country, who can't get the required calories they need to function. They suffer from malnutrition, disease, starvation and will die from a lack of food. We have some fat, lazy piece of shit in New Jersey who is ONLY the 43rd fattest women in the world and wants to be number one. She eats 12,000 calories a day and runs a food bill of $750 a week. All so she can weigh 1,000+ pounds.

We're going to break that down real quick. Recommended daily caloric consumption for the average person = 2000 calories. Donna Simpson's caloric intake per day = 12,000 calories. Donna Simpson's caloric intake = ENOUGH CALORIES FOR SIX PEOPLE! (or six days worth of food for one person) There are six starving people in this world that could eat for a day with what this woman eats BY HERSELF in ONE DAY! There is one starving person that could eat for six days with what this woman eats in one day.

And we have to ask ourselves why other countries hate us?

I'm pretty sure this might be one of the reasons al Qaeda hates us.

High Fructose Corn Syrup Death March (hopefully)

My favorite part of this article is the first comment at the bottom.

Second comment pretty much sums up what I've been saying. Apparently others have been saying it, too. Go them.

(click image for commercial)

"It's okay in moderation" generally means it's bad for you. Ya know, like alcohol is okay in moderation, but technically still a poison.

Rep. John Boehner Wants to Kill Your Healthcare...

...if you're one of 46 million without healthcare (I am).

First of all, this guy's name is pronounced Bay-ner despite being spelled in a way that makes me think bone-er. Can I get an explanation for that?

All immature jokes aside, this guy is the epitome of a partisan politician. When it was his party running up the tap on the national debt, he was all for it. Did not care about out-of-control spending. If his party sponsored it, he voted for it. Now that it's the other guys, he is anti-everything, the king of the "no to everything" kingdom. I would go ahead and venture a completely un-bold guess that if the Republicans sponsored this exact same bill, he would vote for it. Because he is an asshole and he doesn't care about what is best for this country. He cares about what is best for keeping his job. Article here.

Why is this man orange?

Children Often Have Far More Wisdom Than Adults.

This kid's mother died because she couldn't afford health insurance. So he is now lobbying Congress and doing what he can to spread the word that every American deserves healthcare coverage. This kid is 11 and he gets it. He already has more wisdom, and probably knowledge, than most adults do on this issue.

I had a very similar experience today, albeit on a much LESS serious level. I work in retail. Every day, some adult comes up to me as I work with my name tag on and my super sweet walkie talkie clipped to my pants and asks me if I work there. Today, I had a kid who was at the oldest, 10, ask me if I could get a pair of flip flops down off the wall for him. Didn't ask if I worked there. Just asked for some help. And did it rather politely. Which is much more that I can say for most adults who ask me for help. Inappropriate comparison? Perhaps. But it still makes my point. Adults get so caught up in bullshit that we can't get anything done. Kids don't understand the bullshit, they just see the simplest form of the situation and respond. Perhaps we should take notice every so often. Or elect children to public office. Real children, not the man-boys and woman-girls we have in public office now. Things might work more smoothly.

Your elected officials hard at work.

Go Her!

Lesbian teen suing Mississippi school district that canceled prom due to "distractions."

Article here.

Similar But Not the Same

This website seems a lot like this website , except less original and less intelligent. And poorly written. Then again, what do I know...

Aside from the fact that this picture makes me laugh.

Mississippi At It Again

While I do not doubt that racism is still alive in this country, it would seem that Mississippi is helping to lead the fight in another insanely stupid front again teenage lesbians.

Itawamba Country, a rural country in northern Mississippi CANCELED it's prom because 18-year-old lesbian girl wanted to bring her girlfriend as a date and wear a tux. Oh, no, wait. I'm sorry. They canceled the prom "due to the distractions to the educational process caused by recent events."

Which is a nice way of saying, we canceled it because we don't want no lesbians mucking up our straight-person only happy time prom, because in our little perfect world, teaching kids about safe sex makes them want to have unsafe sex, there's no correlation between abstinence only education and higher rates of teen pregnancy, AND homosexuality is a choice and a pact someone makes with the devil. Phew.

There you go, again, Mississippi. Making the rest of the country proud of your ignorance.

Article here.

Douchebags Unite to Ruin Healthcare Reform

A coalition of ass hats are joining forces and spending in excess of $10 million over 10 days (fast math: $1 million per day) to convince you that healthcare reform is a bad idea, that forcing companies to work more efficiently and lower costs is not in your best interests, and that even though companies and corporations already pay the lowest taxes in the US than any other industrialized country (I think), this plan will bankrupt all of them and lead to the apocalypse and we'll all start fucking goats and killing each other for food. Or something like that.

Doing nothing is not an option. Call your Congressperson. Tell them to vote for reform because I said so. Or for your own reasons. Whatever works for you.

Story Here.

That's It, Pizza Hut! (and AoR, Martin Agency*)

I've had enough. Stop these shenanigans right the fuck now. I'm tired of seeing your 35-year-old guys in your stupid "college student" ads talking about how they'd rather spend their quarters for laundry on Pizza Hut's wings and making jokes about they save "their money, oh no, wait, my parents' money" with your super saver deals, or whatever the fuck you call them. Enough already. It is so blatantly obvious to anyone with a functioning brain that your casting people are fucking churls. NONE of the people in these commercials look remotely close to being college-age. Which is stupid, because these ads are so obviously aimed at college students (played ad nausea um during NCAA BBall games). Seriously, stop it. Go back to square one, recast the actors and rewrite the scripts. And please, while you're add it, find a way to make your stuffed-crust pizza healthier. Because while I do enjoy being in much better shape than I used to be, I sure as shit miss eating that caloric monstrosity.

This man is not college-age.

*If anyone from Martin Agency reads this, please don't disqualify me from consideration for being hired. It's not my fault these ads blow. It's probably not your fault either. Pizza Hut's ads have always blown.

Here's a Nice Read for You Advertising People

Metrics shouldn't dictate creative. Makes sense to me.

Twitter is

My Thoughts On Digital Media

...because what I have to say is most likely not important.

The Internet has changed advertising. Mostly in the sense that lots n lots of ad dollars are going into digital because it is a limitless* media that costs a lot less than a TV spot. It can also be targeted to such a specific group that a niche advertiser can target mothers of 5-year-olds between the ages of 28 and 35 who quit smoking for the pregnancy and then started again, but then quit again, all while working 25-30 hours a week and eating only apples and oranges on the potato diet who live in Iowa. There is much more freedom and less of a concern for censorship or any sort of gate-keeper type of controls. Ideally, you can speak directly to your target via Twitter, Facebook, MySpace (HA! no one uses myspace anymore), LinkedIn, Yahoo!, Google, blogs or any other what-have-yous on the web. If you can actually drive traffic to your website/get people to follow you on the social sites.

Still, just like any other media, if you create something awesome, the people will find it. And then share it. Which is what we** as advertisers and agencies all what. But it also has to make sense. For example, if AARP has a social media guru***, it might be a waste. At least for now. My mom doesn't tweet (although she is on the FB, she doesn't use it all that much). So, tweeting about legislation the AARP is lobbying for or issues they are supporting or even relevant news stories, at this point in time, would be a waste of time for AARP. Some brands just don't make sense having a huge presence on the web outside of a functional, easy-to-navigate website. (God please, we need more easy-to-navigate websites for brands).

"Younger" brands, sure. Tweet your heart out. Start a fan page on facebook. Create some character that blogs about the awesomeness of your brand and how much it can make every one's life awesome. Do it well, though. Keep it interesting. There's nothing worse than investing time in the concept surrounding a product (because that's what a brand is), and end up feeling like their time was wasted following something that never updates or updates with irrelevant crap. While this might not cause said person to switch brands, but in a world where most products are pretty much the same, a favorable opinion of a brand can go a long way to keeping consumers buying your shit.

Again, this all comes down to doing something awesome. The concept, the idea has to be excellent. It has to be something someone looks at/reads/watches and immediately starts thinking of who they know that will enjoy it as much as they just did. And while one can be an expert in mobile/web/out of home/guerrilla/event/ambient/apps/traditional, when push comes to shove, the idea is the seed that everything grows out of (that and the research). And truly great ideas will transcend media and be applicable to any and all media. It just becomes a matter of what jives with the strategy in determining what media to use. Which is when you get in to whether it makes sense for a brand to tweet. For some brands, it makes no sense. Others can monetize their Twitter accounts. And while a guy like me sees Twitter as somewhat of a dumb service with no apparent business model, especially considering very few, if any person is willing to pay for something they previously were able to get for free (see illegal music downloads, facebook, myspace, last.fm, hulu, NYTimes.com, etc.), as a brand, that is completely irrelevant. For now, it's a free service to be co-opted for the benefit of your brand.

All of that being said, I find it hard to understand when a "digital only" shop turns away creative talent for not having enough experience with digital media. While there are nuances with digital that have to be taken into consideration, it just doesn't seem like something that can't be picked up along the way. As long as the creative talent generates great ideas, experience with a certain kind of media should be mostly irrelevant (as long as the agency/company has the staff to fill the void, i.e. a web designer/developer), it shouldn't matter. That being said, the ideas have to be spectacular.

So, there you have it. My thoughts on digital media. You probably don't care, but I feel slightly better without all of that rolling around in my head.

*Someday the Internet will run out of space.

**I say we even though I do not work in advertising (right now, at least).

***I have no idea if AARP has a social media guru/twitter account/facebook page/etc.

The Penguin Never Takes a Day Off. Except for Yesterday, when he took a day off.

This multi-cultural photo made more multi-cultural.

With a Name Like Weiner, You Better Be Likable

I'm starting to like this guy, which is weird because I tend to not like politicians or really anyone involved with government. At least on a professional level. I don't actually know any politicians. So, on a personal basis, I can't really say one way or the other. Still, watch this video. Might make you feel all warm inside.*

*I don't enjoy this because he is deriding Republicans (although he is right). I enjoy this because he's holding feet to the fire, which is not done enough in the Beltway anymore. Nor is it done in the press. Truth is, most, if not all politicians are on the Insurance Payroll. Honestly, why not take their donations and then vote against the policy they lobby for? You'd lose donations, but totally bank on voter-donations and free PR from all the press coverage. I don't have a job. Maybe I should run.

...he lurks.

PENGUIN!

My Thoughts on Working in Retail

I work in retail. That's my day job. It's not really by choice but I would venture a guess and say most people don't work jobs they would choose to do on a regular basis. But for those of you who have worked in retail know that aside from perhaps food service, law enforcement and prostitution, (only one of those I've actually done besides retail I'll let you guess which one) retail is easily the most pointless, annoying and frustrating field someone can work in. Do you know why this is the case?

Customer service.

Now, I work at a retail store whose definition of customer service involves energy and efficiency and responsibility and blah blah blah what the fuck ever. What customer service boils down to is working your self to the bone and taking it in the ass constantly from customers with a never-ending smile on your face for wages that would make an illegal immigrant spit on your shoes. Why do people subject themselves to this torture? I haven't got a fucking clue. I do it because no one in my field of expertise is hiring. Why everyone else does it, I don't know. I really don't care. I'm so goddamn miserable that I laugh when things go wrong at work. Especially if it happens to a manager. Why? Because by default, they are evil. Why? Because there's no one higher up on the corporate food chain that I see often enough to direct my anger and bitterness toward who doesn't have the power to fire me. It truly is a wonder how I haven't been fired from a single retail job. I talk back. I'm always late. I swear at my managers and co-workers on the sales floor while the store is open. I throw and kick things when I get angry and do my best to dress and act like I'm a deaf mute who doesn't work there so customers will leave me alone.

Why? Because customer service is really all about the fucking customers. And I hate customer service. Which means, I hate customers. A lot can be learned from customers about human nature. The most abundant information one can learn about human nature from customers has to do with ignorance and laziness. Because there are no stupid customers, just those that hide behind varying degrees of ignorance and laziness. The type of ignorance that motivates people to ask me where the fitting rooms are when I'm standing under a fucking sign that reads “Fitting Rooms.” The type of laziness that starts arguments over a sweater that rings up $30 but the customer swears was under a sign that read $7. And us, doing our due diligence to save the store $23, check the $7 sign that clearly reads “All Tank Tops: $7. Select styles only.” Oh, I love that qualifier. We have fucking sales that include every style of a particular item, and the signs still say “select styles only,” like we're keeping one aside just for ourselves because its the goldmine that's going to save the farm. But I digress.

Even the really smart customers with college degrees and years of life experience become lazy and ignorant the second they walk through the door. The people that ask where something is before setting foot into a section of the store. The people that come in and ask what's on sale when everything is in fact, on sale. The people that ask where something is and you take them to it, and then ask if you have a certain size before looking for themselves, the people who ask you to help them find a size in the clearance section. And yes, the people who are completely unnerved by the incredibly daunting task of putting something back from where they found it. To pay you guys back for all of your help in keeping me busy at work with completely unnecessary activities that I wouldn't have to do if you were a decent human being, I'm going to follow you home, or maybe to work. And once you're all nice and settled, I'm going to come in and put your stapler in the bathroom sink. Then, I'll put your alarm clock in the freezer, your dog in the toilet, your pictures of family in the kitchen cabinets, your computer in the coat closet and your flat-screen TV in my trunk. Then I'm going to go home feeling like I got ripped off by your unfair prices, knowing full-well that if I had simply returned the items to their proper place, the store could cut labor hours and pass the savings on to you!

People who work in retail, such as myself, get it from both ends really. Because when you work for an international retail company, you get fucked from just about every direction. They have people who work in the corporate offices who I honestly believe do whatever is possible to make our lives more difficult than they have to be. Signs go up, come back down in 4 days. Clothes get put there, then moved over there a couple days later. This stuff is on sale for a couple days, then back to full price, on sale again, full price, then BAM! On clearance for more money than the original sale price. Oh, and who can forget the one day sales when corporate purposely under-supplies the store and all of you retarded bargain monkeys come flocking to fist fight over $5 fleece tops. You have no idea how embarrassing you are to the human race. You're the type of people Al Qaeda uses to recruit jihadis. You don't need it. You don't even really want it. But WHO can pass up the SAVINGS?!

So, of course, during the holidays, we have one of these one day clusterfuck sales EVERY WEEKEND, because when I think of the Christmas Spirit, I think of passive-aggressive retarded bargain monkeys pummeling each other for a chance to grab more $1 flip-flops at 6am than anyone else...in DECEMBER. Oh yes, Santa and God love to see grown adults bickering like children, pushing and shoving so they can get all the super soft fleecy pullovers that Sally asked for this year. It's a good thing neither of them actually exist.

We had to call the police once. We had one woman who maced another over a pair of flip flops. I'm going to write that again. We had a woman, arrested for assault, over a pair of...$1...flip...flops. How would you like to make that phone call home from jail?

“Yeah, Hello”

“Hey honey, it's me.”

“Hey babe, why did the caller ID say Police Department? Is everything okay?”

“Yeah, its just, uh, well, before you get mad, you don't even understand okay. I was at Old Navy this morning for the flip flop thing and I grabbed a pair off the hook thing right before another lady could. I already had 18 pairs and she called me a bitch and said my fat ass couldn't even fit into those flip flops, which is so untrue because I'm not fat and doesn't even make sense, but I didn't realize it at the time. So I told her she was a whore and that they were for our daughter and she said our daughter's probably fat just like me so I pushed her and she pushed me so I pulled out my mace and sprayed her in the face with it. And the store called the police on me even though she started it and I got arrested and now I'm at the jail. But it's not my fault.”

“Honey?”

“So what you're telling me is that you maced someone in the face...for a pair of $1 flip flops from Old Navy?”

“Well, yeah, but -”

“Yeah....I'm pretty sure you deserve to spend the night in jail” CLICK.

Really though, honestly, where are you in life when getting up at 6am to get $1 flip flops form Old Navy dictates your happiness? What does that say about you as a person when you're willing to mace someone over a pair of flip flops? Yeah, you can give me that whole “principle of the matter” bullshit, but I'm not buying it. Because when it boils down to it, you are committing a felony punishable with years in prison for a pair of fucking $1 flip flops. Then again, I'm not all that into fashion.

They just love to pile those sales on us. We had one where we advertised a sale but had run out of the stuff the day before. It ended up sort of working out because there was a blizzard that day. But yes, we were still open and yes, people showed up when we opened to make sure they got their deals. About 45 minutes after we opened, this woman comes in, grown woman, in her pajamas. Look, I realize they're comfy. I have a fantastic pair of Homer Simpson Pj pants I wear all the time. At home. I don't go out in public in them. Anyway, she starts ripping one of my managers about the lack of merchandise. I should be reveling in the moment, but all I can think about are two things: why are you, a grown woman with no children accompanying you, in your grimy Pjs? And what the FUCK possessed you to get up at 7am to risk your LIFE driving here in a FUCKING blizzard for $5 fleece? I'm pretty sure I can't collect unemployment if I get fired, so I kept those friendly thoughts to myself. But honestly, the number of grown women who find it acceptable to go out in the middle of the day in track suits and sweat suits and velour suits boggles my mind. I can understand if you have small children. Kids ruin everything they possibly can, including your clothes, your livelihood and your soul. And they make everything smell 10x worse. But most of the women I see dressed like this are at least 45.

Here is my thought process when I see these women, so you can understand.

“Hello 57-year-old non-retarded woman in a matching sweat suit. Why aren't you at work? Oh, you don't have a job. Okay. If you don't have a job, why are you shopping? Oh, your husband makes enough money so you don't have to work? Well, if your husband makes enough money so you don't have to work, why AREN'T YOU DRESSED NICER?! It's the middle of the goddamn day and you're out in public. Can't you afford better clothes or at least put on a proper t-shirt and pants? Oh, you just left the gym? Then what the fuck are you doing here? Go home and take a shower, stinky. Oh, you're on your way to the gym? Well I don't have anything to say to that."