Good Read

Beer Industry Looks to Rebuild "Brand Beer'

Some quick thoughts: I find it interesting how disillusioned big-brand brewers still are about the craft beer market. Apparently, the perception that only "rich people" buy craft beer is still prevalent among the upper echelons of these companies. I may be an outlier (I don't think I am), in that I am nowhere near "rich" and am still willing to pay a premium for a quality, flavorful craft beer.

I don't know much about spirits and wine taking market share away from big beer brands, but I have been loosely following the market share that craft beer is taking from big beer brands. And it should be. Could the advertising be to blame for big brand sales declines? Perhaps. Instead, I think it's capitalism at work: People who can afford to buy beer don't want to spend it on a crappy product.

That being said, I think the author of the article also makes an interesting point in terms of blue collar workers who are not working. While they are often ignored in the advertising and messaging, they tend to be the ones drinking big-brand beer. If they're out of work with no expendable income, they're probably going to buy food instead.

Where Are My Damn Rewards Points?

Rewards points, customer appreciation programs, frequent shopper alliances, or whatever a business may call it, is something that I clamor for as both a consumer and an advertising professional. To me, there is no greater joy than being rewarded for my loyalty (and expenditures). Well, that is a complete and utter lie. There are plenty of greater joys. However, in the tiny world of my shopping habits, being rewarded with coupons, discounts and exclusive sales are the creme de la creme of motivators for me to purchase your shit.

So, when I encounter a place of business in which repeat-shopping is both frequent and extremely important, I am taken aback a bit, nay, maybe even offended, that I cannot earn something for my loyalty. Perhaps these businesses are more of the ilk that our business relationship is more like a friendship, in which I shouldn't expect to be compensated for my loyalty and patronage the same way a true friend should not expect anything in return for helping out a friend. Unfortunately, that's not how I see things. As such, I am at a loss for words why these companies do not employ some type of compensation for me spending my money on their goods. The benefits, from my standpoint, always seem to outweigh the administrative costs.

I am much more likely to shop exclusively, or almost exclusively, with a store that has a loyalty/rewards program. I am handing over to you, not only my personal data (name, address, phone number, age, sex, etc.), but also doing your market research for you. For you see, your rewards program, if sophisticated enough, will track every purchase I make and compare them with each other. You'll learn that for a savings of $0.15, I will switch brands of croutons (meaning I have low brand loyalty). I will jump brands of Organic Milk for even the slightest of reductions in price. I will buy the generic/private label brands of almost everything, except breakfast cereal. Not only can you sell my personal demographic information to the highest bidder, you can sell extremely specific information about my purchasing habits that can be aggregated into studies about my particular set of demographics. The skilled would even be able to determine other factors, like psychographics. And I am a willing participant, because I get to save those $0.15 on croutons.

With all of this in mind, for the life of me I cannot figure out why Trader Joe's and Whole Foods don't have customer loyalty programs. Perhaps people are loyal enough, the stores just don't need them.

The Social Fabric of Beer

Throughout the ages, beer has been regaled as proof that God exists and loves man, a motivator for social change, a driving force behind agriculture/technological advancement, a means for those of different socioeconomic classes to mingle, etc. And these are all, to some extent, undoubtedly true.

For me, personally, beer, as a weaver of social fabrics, was more of the final embroidery on a once-shredded relationship that in the last nine years became one of the most important relationships in my short life. Beer, the emerging and now prevalent craftsmanship, and the culture that encompasses it, become a vast common ground for my father and I to share ideas, knowledge and thoughts on anything from taste, similarities to the appreciation of wine, the politics of the industry, and so on. It became a topic whose breadth covered myriad number of finer points that brought out the best of our collective intellect, varied and often disagreeing as they may have been. He became a fan and avid follower of my pontifications on the different beers I tasted, and would often discuss his thoughts on my articles. When I stopped writing about beer as a hobby a few years ago, he would constantly pepper me with inquiries as to why I hadn't started doing it on my own.

"If you keep doing it and keep putting your name out there, someone will notice. And then maybe you can get paid to do it."

I always thought he pushed so hard because, as a writer, I've had (and am having) my share of struggles financially. I always knew he wanted me to be able to do what I enjoyed doing because, for so many years, he had not had that option. I figured his eagerness had more to do with my success, my future and my personal satisfaction with my work (and maybe because I fancy myself a decent writer and he enjoyed reading my articles). After he passed away, a new facet emerged that I had not really considered, that may have played a bigger role than all of the aforementioned, combined: He was proud of me. He was proud because I was doing what I thoroughly enjoyed. He was proud because I wasn't giving up or giving in. He was proud that I was doing something that he would've loved to do, as well.

For my father and I, beer was a conversation piece much the way sports, politics or personal money management were conversational pieces. And while we both enjoyed in-depth, thought-provoking discussions in which we agreed just as often as we disagreed, these topics were mere vehicles for a much more substantial, veiled topic we were really discussing. Behind the structured arguments tinged with passion about this idea or that were overtures of a fabric sewn through almost a decade of recovery from a tattered, unstable relationship; a peace-offering or, perhaps, an expression of our inherit familial connection that I had forsaken for so long as a rebellious adolescent. Beer was a thread for us to tell each other how we felt, that we were proud, that we cared, that we were and always had been interested in the life and well-being of the other.

I often find myself angry in retrospect of the years I wasted making him the enemy, especially in the face of all that I would give to get him back. But the anger often fades quickly, knowing that I can't change the past and that everything we said and did together and for each other more than made up for lost time. Still, I'm bereft to fault myself for wishing I had more.

A little story for you today.

This summer passed (yes, it has passed), I hired a dog trainer to help me get a better handle on my adorable, rambunctious pit bull. During one of my training sessions with said trainer, he told me a brief little story about a conversation he had with one of his clients.

The client, perhaps a bit flabbergasted about how much the trainer was charging, said something along the lines of "I can't believe I had to hire someone to help me with my dog." Either that, or the client had asked a friend who had successfully trained his dog to help and the guy couldn't handle the dog.

The trainer's response stuck with me.

Trainer: Can you come by this weekend to take a look at my water heater? It's broken.

Dog Owner: Why would I do that? I'm not a plumber.

Trainer: Exactly.

He then went on to explain to me:

I am a professional. I am an expert. My area of expertise is training a dog. Why would you ask a friend who is not an expert to do an expert's job? I wouldn't ask somebody who, what is it you do? (I'm a writer) Yeah, I wouldn't ask you to come take a look at my pipes if they backed up. That's not your expertise. So why would you have someone who is not an expert come do something they don't know how to do? If my pipes break, I call a plumber. And I pay that plumber for his skill, his knowledge. Yeah, I'm not the cheapest trainer out there. But I've been doing this for a long time, and that acquired knowledge and experience of dealing with these dogs is what you pay for.

I am going to use that explanation for the rest of my life.

Manhattan Mini Storage

For anyone who lives outside of New York City and hasn't visited in the last few years, there is a storage space company known as Manhattan Mini Storage that runs an out-of-home campaign (subway, building facades, billboards, etc.) with increasingly clever headlines and an extremely simple layout. I recall a few years ago, when I first noticed the ads, I was less than impressed. Lame visuals of people in their apartments with lamer headlines. All of that has changed.

The advertising's progression has been slow. It began with the following:

To this:

And now this:

In my opinion, this is a rather drastic improvement over the last few years, from typical and expected (and perhaps a rip of McDonald's "dollar menu-aires" campaign) to rather relevant and funny to a much more targeted audience. At the moment, I don't need to store any of my possessions, but if and when I do, they will be the first one I check out. Which is the whole point of this kind of messaging, which I think works for them. I haven't checked the data regarding increases in rentals, but they seem to be continually increasing their presence, which leads me to believe they are doing well for themselves. And as a copywriter, I would love to be able to write this kind of stuff on a regular basis. So kudos to them for having the fortitude to be a bit edgy and provocative, but also for doing it well.

The Decency of Human.

It is with great pleasure and cynicism that I spend most of my diatribes about my fellow humans completely eviscerating their morality, decency and general good-ness. If asked, I respond with childish eagerness at how much I despise the great majority of mankind for their blissful ignorance, selfishness, lack of consideration, dishonesty, stupidity, apathy, and the like. I will dive deep into the depths of my perspicacity to summon up words rarely uttered to express my distaste for those willing to mindlessly indulge in feature-length blockbuster pieces of garbage and reality TV about slightly-above-retarded people who have completely lost touch with reality. And I do it with a sly smile, because as a cynic, I do not have to look far to inundate anyone who tries to challenge my perception of western society.

And then, something extraordinary happens. And from the morass of the bullshit and misery in the vast forests of indecent, unremarkable people emerges these beautiful individuals that seem to get lost in the haze of the everyday. They come forth bearing nothing but good-will, empathy and, for a lack of a better word, love, in its many forms. They come from all of the different parts of your life, past and present. Some are expected, but many arrive out of the blue to stand by your side and lend their hearts and their support. They are all special people. And they all make a hardened skeptic like myself question my convictions about the depravity and decay of our civilization.

Thank you, from the depths of my being, to all of those who have come out to offer their love and support through this difficult time in mine and my family's lives.

The Waiting Game

I've never much been the patient type.

Somehow in my mind, I've confused the somewhat famous Oscar Wilde quote "Patriotism is a virtue of the wicked," with "Patience is a virtue of the wicked." It doesn't make sense, except when I am impatiently waiting.

I like to claim that I'm impatient because I am the younger of two children, but the fact of the matter is that the two are completely unrelated. There is nothing in my younger-brother-childhood that explains my impatience for things, nor the fact that the more important something is, the more impatient I become.

And when it is a decision I am waiting for from someone else, receiving the decision as quickly as possible becomes more important, even if it is not the one I was hoping for, than getting the decision I was hoping for over a longer period of waiting. The need to know outranks the hope for the best possible outcome. In the grand scheme of things, it is a miniscule issue, especially since I am so aware of it.

Still, the waiting game is one that I have sparsely enjoyed playing.

Me and My Big Mouth.

The parents who raise their child to place such a high priority on his integrity, to always stand up when he knows he is right, to never lay down and take it when someone is being unfair or abusive, to be honest and speak his mind, do not know what kind of monster they may end up creating.

That child ended up being me. And while I certainly have a filter that could keep me from spouting off my honest thoughts, I choose to ignore it most of the time. Other people tend to not like this.

I am proud and more than happy that my parents focused so hard on teaching me all of these important principles. Never in my life have I ever wished I didn't have the ability to be honest, straightforward and able to speak my mind. That being said, many, many people are not ready to hear it (or read it). And this has landed me in trouble.

In high school, it almost got me fired on several occasions. I can recall getting in to full-blown arguments with the people who ran the retail store I worked in. In one specific situation, I told my manager that I had no respect for her, or any one else, as my boss. (To be fair, she was a terrible boss, and the store manager was fired a few months later) Luckily, I suppose, I was well-liked by some of my other superiors and rather adept at my job. Perhaps some of that spitfire can be attributed to being a teenager. Still, my ability to not just lie down and take it and speak my mind persevered.

The stakes are different now, it would seem. I'm not longer schlepping at a part-time, just-above-minimum-wage retail job that won't end up being my career anymore. This is the real-deal. And even so, my blunt honesty may once again be getting me in to trouble. I've learned, through experience and lecture, to be more vigilant in keeping my mouth shut in the professional world. And I am getting better. But often I wonder how long it will be before I slip up. Because even though it might be true, it doesn't mean it's the right thing to say.

Trying to Make My Mom and Dad Proud.

The industry I work in is generally regarded as one of the least-trustworthy in the US, and perhaps, the world. Whether that is with good reason can be debated amongst those on the outside who feel slighted by spurious claims made in ads and those on the inside who do honestly make efforts to not mislead anyone. Regardless, each person's perception is indeed their reality, and the collective reality seems to be that very few people trust advertising or offer much regard for the people who work in the industry.

With every day that I come in to the office and every hour I spend working on my portfolio, I'm finding more and more that I may have an ulterior motive for my career: I want to bring some integrity back into this business. It's not going to be easy. I'll probably fail. But I'm going to try, nonetheless.

I think, at least so far in my reflections on the issue, there are two reasons for this goal. 1) My personal integrity is something that I value. It is part of how I define myself as a human being, personally and professionally. That being said, I don't much like working in an industry where my personal integrity is overshadowed by the lack of integrity (or perceived lack of integrity) that most people have. 2) I've talked to a few people, inside the biz and out, and in a sense have been a bit taken aback about how most of them respond. It seems the general consensus about what to do with this lack of integrity in the business is, rather than try to fix it, capitalize on it. Use it to my advantage to fleece people and have fun. Everyone expects me (us) to do it, so why not use that to my advantage and enjoy the freedoms it allows me to take? That, in itself, is part of the reason I so badly want to restore some integrity. In a sense, and to overstep my bounds and make a broad generalization: That kind of thinking is what has landed us with such a shit storm in Washington, DC. Not just with the debt ceiling, but pretty much the last 40 years.

A whole other topic, I know. But there a couple points I'm trying to make: This tolerance of lack of integrity is disconcerting and dangerous. It never leads to anywhere positive. It has led to a sideshow in politics, as well as a bit of hubris in advertising (at least from my limited perspective).

On a more personal level, though, the point of all of this is that, when it boils down to it, I want to be able to go back to my parent's home be able to look them in the eye when I talk about my work, or when a commercial comes on, and not be ashamed, of the quality of the work or the claims being made. It's as simple as that. My parents made a lot of sacrifices to get me to where I am. So, I suppose, aside from my own personal needs, my integrity stems from a desire to not disappoint my folks.

I'm that nervous, shy elementary school kid all over again.

"Norway's Timothy McVeigh"

NOTE: This isn't about advertising. Or beer. But I am drinking a beer while writing this.

What transpired in Norway at the end of last week is perhaps one of the most disgusting and disturbing tragedies since 9/11. As with any event of this magnitude, it has caused to me, (as well as others, I'm sure) to reflect on some things. As with McVeigh, Norway was caught by surprise by this guy because their terrorist intelligence had ruled out the possibility of any major attack by a domestic terrorist, and instead focused their efforts on tracking international (Muslim) threats. As of late, many right wing groups in Norway had dwindled in numbers of members. From what I have read, most militant right-wing groups' members numbered less than 50. Still, a (so far) lone man is responsible for the deaths of almost 100 people, many of whom were teenagers and just-barely adults.

So often in the western world, we seem to forget what word is actually the most important when we talk about religion-based terrorism. It is not the specific religion, be it Christian, Islam, Judaism, or what have you, but rather the same word that follows each of those qualifiers: fundamentalist.

I Can Write Like You.

Given enough time and an adequate amount of samples, I can. It's one of the skills that I've worked on since I started developing an interest in advertising. I'm not an ace, in that I can't adapt immediately. At least, not yet. But I like to think I'm fairly adept at it. Perhaps because I enjoy it and the challenges it presents, having to write and rewrite until I've completely eradicated my speech patterns and vocabulary and have replaced it with the featured character's or personality's. Listening or reading over and over again to determine word-usage, inflection, pattern, diction, and rhythm and adopt them as my own. I suppose it might be a weird thing to enjoy doing. But I've never claimed to not be a weird guy.

I thought of this most recently as I was considering whether to bring back a campaign I had worked on a few years ago for [insert brand name here] diamonds. In truth, the campaign wasn't the type that was exclusive to one brand or another. Rather, it was the novelty of the message that made the idea worthwhile in my mind. And thinking of it recently, it was of a style somewhat similar to the recently successful Old Spice campaign. Yeah, I'm saying it. I had the idea before they did.

Whether you believe me or not, and whether its true or not, doesn't much matter because I never finished the work and never put it in my portfolio. And there's a good reason for that: The campaign was built around TV and web videos with a range of celebrity and athlete endorsements, ranging from Red Sox 2B Dustin Pedroia, NFL WR Santonio Holmes, The Simpsons and the lovable duo from Flight of the Conchords, all written in their voices. As such, it would be budgetary nightmare for a student/individual. (Perhaps some celebrity or athlete will read this and decide, out of the goodness of his or her heart, to convince his or her friends to do the campaign for free).

Still, I'm motivated to find a way to put this work into my portfolio for one main reason: The target audience.

Years ago, Helzberg Diamonds put out a campaign directed at men stating that, they bought Helzberg because they weren't "that guy" who took calligraphy classes just so he could hand-write an anniversary day card or take his wife's Yorkie to the doggie salon while she went out with her girlfriends. They were written quite well and rather hilarious.

At the time, I wasn't in the market to buy diamonds for anyone. Still not. But if I had been, I at least would've checked out Helzberg, because I hate conventional diamond advertising (looking at you De Beers, Jared, Kay, etc.), and they're work was so different. I have a feeling this strategy didn't work for them, though, because after three spots, they changed their tone.

I put a twist on this messaging, though, and directed my diamond ads at a whole different audience. If they ever make it up on my portfolio website, or better yet, out into the world as work that got sold, we can chat about it. Until then, my paranoia is keeping the ideas locked up.

There's Money to Be Made in Low ABV Beer

Or so it would seem. Over the last decade or so, in tandem with the war against carbohydrates, brewers have been decreasing the number of carbs and calories in beer. This has led to such brand extensions as Michelob Ultra, Budweiser Select, MGD 64, and a myriad of other beers with tiny calorie numbers and virtually no carbs.

What no one ever explains to these lovers of the ultra lights is that, unless you're dumping a large number of flavor additives into your mainstream "original" beers, the biggest source of calories and carbs is from alcohol. When a brewer cuts calories, he or she is most likely reducing the alcohol content. You pretty much have to. Because the hops and barley malts (and rice) really don't account for much, and the process of fermenting beer requires sugars for the yeast to digest. Which is why non-alcoholic beers are so low in calories. No alcohol = no significant source of sugars, and thus, carbohydrates. Which begs the question: Aside from Erdinger, why are no non-alcoholics advertising themselves as health beverages or alternatives to fake-sugar sodas and juices? My guess is that no one would believe them if they made that claim.

All of that aside, it would seem that, during the race to the bottom in terms of calories, the major brewers noticed a more-than-appealing trend: When people drink ultra-light beers, they have to drink more of them to get drunk.

This, I think, is why some of them are priced so low. The margin per-bottle is low, but the volume people buy them in is more than enough to cover the smaller margin. This explains, it would seem, the shift by other major brewers, foreign and domestic, to decrease the ABV in their flagship "regular" brands. Stella Artois has already done this, dropping their ABV to 4.4% from 5%. Perhaps not much of a shift, but you don't fiddle with your recipe for no reason, especially when its "been around" since 1366.

What has always been a curious concept for me, as a lover of fine beers from all over the world, is the logic of drinking a light, or ultra light, beer, to save money and calories. It is, in fact, much more cost-effective, efficient and delicious to drink three or four high ABV IPAs, Imperial Stouts and the like, than it is to down 10-12 light or ultra light beers. And in the end, the calories you consume are about the same. So is the funny feeling in your head.

Of course, that would mean going against what the TV box tells me to do and exploring beyond what is known. It is a lot easier to stick with what you know, even if it is a bland, watery, low quality, low-alcohol mockery of beer.

Just my two cents.

My Many Hats.

As is often the case, I've spent the last week or so (over) analyzing exactly what it is I do in my current position as a copywriter. In doing so, I have realized that I, in fact, wear many hats. As such, I have begun to flesh out in my mind the details of each of those aspects of my job, which I am going to be sharing with you over the next few days or weeks.

As much as some of these hats are pretty and fit my expertise and skills quite well, and others are grimy and unpleasant, there is one hat that I am finding I don't where all that much. As much as I like to think I am a creator and idea-generator, I actually spend very little time doing any sort of original writing or concept development. Most often, I am wearing the hat of a translator, an analyst, an interpreter, an editor, a proofreader, a researcher, and most likely, many others. All of this time spent doing these other things, I'm finding, comes at the expense of the quality of the original writing and concept development I am here to do, when I actually get to do it.

Perhaps it was simply a misunderstanding when I accepted the position here, but so often I feel like the cumulative consumption of my time and efforts working on what I understood to be the fringe aspects of my job completely overshadows what is supposed to be the main focus of the time I spend here. I suppose if the pay-check issuers are happy with it that way, I shouldn't rattle any cages.

International Brand Manager (DB)

Everyone I work for is German. Our client is German. And thus, the International Brand Manager for said client is also German.

Combined, between all of them, I do very much believe that my 2-ish years working in advertising in America trumps their entire experience with American advertising. At the least, I know I've been at this longer than the International Brand Manager (IBM, I'm getting lazy). He got his start in sales (apparently), and was then moved from sales to brand management. And it shows.

His work experience aside, I often find that I am being told by individuals who have about the same amount of experience as I do working in American advertising, perhaps less, how advertising works in America and that what I know, what I have learned, what I have studied and what I have experienced in my 26 years (Happy Birthday to me!) living in the USA is wrong.

Admittedly, these same individuals do have more total experience in advertising. But that's in Germany. And if I have learned anything from my time here, it's that what flies in Germany and what flies in America are often not the same. I could be wrong. I probably am. Mostly because I am of the ideal that excellent work can transcend language, sometimes. In fact, it is not easy. At all. Aside from language, there are cultural differences. Historical differences. Pop culture differences. Anthropological differences. The drinking culture in America is not the same as the one in Germany. Being a beer fanatic, I know this intimately. Yet, most days I am forced to apply a logic to the work that I do that makes absolutely no sense to me. I've fought back. I've tried to stand my ground. And every time, I lose.

And so I pose this question: Why is it so hard for those who have no idea what they are doing admit that they have no idea what they are doing and trust someone who does?

Don't get me wrong. I am still very inexperienced. But I do know a bit. A little bit. A tiny bit. But when it comes to things I know little about, I consult an expert. Perhaps several. And then I listen. I learn. I trust. These people are experts. They make their living knowing a lot about one thing and then accepting money in exchange for sharing that knowledge (intellectual hookers?). When my dog went off the hinges, I hired a trainer because I'm not a dog training expert. If my pipes exploded in my apartment, I would hire a plumber; someone I would assume is an expert with pipes. I am becoming an expert in writing for advertising. It's what I have been studying and working at for the last seven or eight years of my life. I can't survive unless I excel at it and maintain a level of relevancy. So, why is it so hard to listen once in a while?

The Best Bio I've Ever Written About Myself

Enjoy.

The BEST Rejection Letter I've Ever Received.

Hi Greg.

Sorry for the delay in getting back to you. I'm also sorry to say that we think you're too senior—and far too creative—for this role.

Thanks for your interest in ******. If it's okay with you, I'm going to hang onto your resume and pass it on to some people in my network here if they're looking for a more senior-level writer.

The Creative Divide

I could be imagining things. I could just read too many blogs written by old-timers and grumpy curmudgeons long-ago burned out by a thankless, inconsiderate industry. Whatever the case may be, I'm finding that there seem to be two major sects on the creative side of advertising: The sect obsessed with doing whatever it takes (and whatever it costs) to win awards, regardless of how much it helps their clients, and the sect focused on a dichotomy of creativity and efficacy. The former is the "new," the latter, the "old."

While I admittedly can't offer an overwhelming amount in the way of experience, I no doubt find myself falling in the line with the "old" form. As much as I love being creative/irreverent/funny/out-there/baseless/adventurous/silly/completely-off-the-wall with my ideas, I am bereft to find the purpose of doing so if it doesn't fall in-line with the strategy of the brand and speak to the target. In fact, I'd go so far as to say that doing so, especially with someone else's money (the client) is both irresponsible and unethical. As much as I may deride clients for trying to put the squeeze on agencies to keep budgets down to the point of being downright despicable, we aren't doing ourselves all that much in the way of gaining credibility by investing time and money in campaigns that might rake in awards, but don't move product. Perhaps I'm an idealist, but I do believe that we earn our keep by doing the outlandish creative thing in a way that sells product. We work in a business-ified-art mutant-hybrid industry where, as much as we may want to be abstract and beautiful, sometimes we have to "dirty up" our masterpieces with a logo or a slogan. We chose this path. As such, if we don't like it, we should look elsewhere. Or do real art on the side.

All of that being said, I do find it a bit ridiculous that there are award ceremonies for advertising or that they've become such a spectacle. I liken it to there being an award show for used-car salespeople or criminal defense attorneys (both of whom score around the same in polls for least-trusted professions). And honestly, I find it even more perverse that, not only are the awards handed out by people within the industry, but that judges are allowed to participate in voting on campaigns their respective agencies worked on. Not to be too crass, but these award shows seem more like a really expensive circle jerk. Or, rather, a giant masturbation pit where everyone who thinks they are awesome can go get each other off while talking about how awesome they are (don't want to leave out the ladies).

Recognition for a job well-done is excellent and a great motivator. And perhaps, because companies (especially those owned by faceless holding companies), like to exploit their workers with as little compensation as possible, these award shows have become necessary so employees can demand, and actually receive, their fair wages. Still, I'm hard-pressed to find myself all that motivated by the chance of winning a titanium anything. I'd much rather be proud of the work I do that people like my mom and dad actually see. They hate commercials. If I can make them laugh, I know I'm doing a good job.

Cover Letters

Be warned: There will be a fair amount of griping involved in this post.

As I have essentially been searching for a job since I graduated college four years ago, I have become well-versed, and supremely annoyed, by the necessity of a cover letter. At first, my distaste with the document stemmed from having an extremely difficult time writing positively about myself. When it comes to me, I'm blatantly honest with a healthy dose of self-deprecating humor that often translates into an awkward lack of confidence. Whether that is born from any kind of reality aside, the process of writing even a generic cover letter to send to multiple companies became an onerous task. Then, in my opinion, I found my stride.

Then, it was posited to me that I should be writing specific cover letters to each job I applied to, lest someone find out they were hit with a blanket, cover-all cover letter. Here is why I am so resistant to this.

It takes me probably about a week to come up with a legitimate, well-thought-out cover letter that properly explains what I've done, without sounding too lame or boring. And then it takes even more time to refine it. Then more time to revise, adjust, edit, rewrite, and whatnot to fit each company I am applying to. And then, after all of that work JUST to get a readable, engaging cover letter written, I ALMOST NEVER hear back. And thus, what becomes my motivation to put all of that time and effort into a cover letter when the result is the exact same as if I simply put a link to my website in the body and attach my resume? Right. Getting a job. Except, that has only sort of happened. And it never happened on the back of my cover letter. I'd much rather let my work speak for itself.

Found Some Clips for Yous.

In regards to my earlier post about not being able to find clips, I found clips.

I give you Flo, the Progressive Lady

and the new Best Buy spot

As soon as I can, the others I said I'd look for. Mitchum. That's right.

(Disclaimer: I have an attraction to both Flo and the new Best Buy girl that I can't really explain. Either way, I'm not sure copying the Progressive campaign was the smartest move. Unless Flo's managed to drastically increase business at Progressive. Even then, copying sucks.)

Excellent.

Thank you, Bill Hicks.

Repeats.

Because I am so often directed by my superiors to "look at this campaign" because "I want that look and feel" or "we should do something like that," I've begun to notice, perhaps more so than before, that I am not alone in being pushed in this direction.

As soon as humanly possible, I will find clips (currently unavailable because I only searched for about a minute) to show you that the newest Mitchum Deodorant campaign is a tasteless Old Spice knock-off. And like its friends Nationwide and to a lesser extent, Arby's, the new Best Buy spots are a near-complete rip-off of the lovely Flo, the spunky Progressive girl.

I often wonder why, instead of rushing to copy the latest trend to piggyback on the popularity of someone else's idea, more clients (and possibly the agencies, but probably just the clients) aren't rushing to BE the latest trend. Oh right, that's dangerous and scary. Best to let someone else do it first and then siphon success and call it your own. Silly me.

Also, why is it that Alec Baldwin's face always looks like he's having an allergic reaction to something? Like he's dehydrated, but somehow his face is just constantly swelling with fluid? It looks uncomfortable.

Hooray! pointless asides.

Saving the Little Guys

If you love Massachusetts craft beer, you should sign this.

Part 7. The end. Mostly because I'm tired.

Their response:

Dear Online Customer,

We understand your concern regarding our policy but this block is due to you having more than one returned check. It is also your responsibility as a customer to insure that payment being made is being deducted from an account with enough funds to back the withdrawal of payment. Also, keep in mind that National Grid does not have any affiliations with the credit bureaus nor do we report record of timely payment to the bureaus. An account that is past due 60 days will be forwarded to a collection agency. Once an account is forwarded to an agency, that agency may take further steps to post any delinquencies to your credit. You also have the choice of purchasing gas from any company servicing your area if you choose to as well, as National Grid is not the sole provider of Gas for New York City customers. If you may have any other questions regarding your account, please call customer service at (718)-643-4050.

My response:

Dear National Grid,

Not once has a check been returned for a lack of funds being in the account. The check in question had a stop-payment put on it because it took almost two months to go from the mailbox I dropped it in in Brooklyn at the end of February to your office in Newark, NJ. Worried that it ended up in the wrong hands, I canceled the check and sent another one which was deposited and process without issue prior to March 28th. This check covered the entire outstanding balance. All was fine and good until FINALLY the canceled check made it to your office and was deposited on April 4th. Because Capital One, the bank I was using, is also incompetent, they allowed the check to be processed and paid and then decided almost three weeks later that, in fact, the check was no good. Again, two things I have no control over (delay in the mail and Capital One being an awful bank). And a situation I was forced in to because you have prohibited me from paying my bill online.

Regarding my freedom to choose: this is true; I do have a choice in what company I buy my gas from. However, National Grid is the only company that can deliver this gas to me, and thus, I am bereft of options. I must always deal, in some capacity, with National Grid, the company that doesn't care. The only option I have is to abandon my lease (and lose my security deposit) and move to another part of New York where you don't have a strangehold on the market. Suffice to say, that's not an option right now.

Take care and have the loveliest of days,

Greg

Part 6. Could it finally be over?

Their response:

Dear Online Customer,

We understand your concern regarding your account. Unfortunately, because the payment was stopped and this has been the third occurrence in which a payment was unable to be deducted due to it being returned, our systems won't allow a check payment by phone, online, or mail, unless a it's a bank certified check, until 10/2811. However, you have the option of making a debit/credit card payment or mailing in a money order. If you may have any other questions, please call customer service at (718)-643-4050.

Thank You for contacting National Grid

My response:

Dear National Grid,

No, I get it. I'm well-aware of your policy. What I was originally trying to do was inform you that your policy is both extremely dumb and counterintuitive, and was hoping someone at National Grid could explain to me why it is your policy to do whatever you can to make the lives of your customers a living hell. Then again, I shouldn't be surprised that a evil, multi-national corporation such as your self has such a policy, as you most certainly increase profit margins whenever someone doesn't pay a bill on time because you then collect interest on that outstanding balance. So, in a way, it makes sense for your policy to make it harder and harder for someone to pay their bill on time because, even though you may be ruining their credit and making the rest of their lives unbelievably difficult because their credit is now ruined, you get to add a couple extra dollars to your bottom line. That being the case, perhaps it is my fault for believing someone that works there might have a conscience left.

That being said, I can only hope that someone with a sliver of decency gets elected to public office and makes it his or her mission to break up any and all regional monopolies held by utilities, and as such, National Grid goes bankrupt and any and all persons involved with making this policy get crushed by copiers or mauled by tigers. Of course, this won't happen because I'm sure National Grid uses the money I pay for natural gas to line the pockets of lobbyists and politicians who also have no conscience and will forever allow National Grid to shake the last few pennies from its customers, all while laughing and singing "We Didn't Start the Fire."

Please be aware that I may now begin mailing you picture of a dog licking its own genitals once a month as a sign of my distaste for your policy specifically, and more generally, your company.

Please take the greatest of care,

Greg

National Grid, Part 5

Their response:

Dear Online Customer,

Thank you for your inquiry.

Please take the following steps to register:

Go to www.nationalgridus.com and under Natural Gas choose the region (Kings - Brooklyn) in the drop down menu under New York, the page will refresh once this is done choose My Account on the upper right hand corner.

Choose "Register Now," fill in all fields and click "Submit."

Log in with your new User ID and Password.

On the next screen, complete the "Add Accounts" section, which requires your account number 02935-63022 and "Access Code" E7EA2AC .

Should you need anything further you can also call 718-643-4050.

Sincerely,

National Grid Customer Service

My response:

Dear National Grid,

You can't possibly be this incompetent. I am already registered on your website. I do NOT need help accessing my account. I know how to access the account online. Once again, I will copy and paste my original message. For all corresponding messages, please see the quoted text from previous emails below the web form.

Once you've figured out what I'm talking about, please respond.

Perhaps I'm Getting Somewhere. Part 4

Their response:

Dear Greg,

If you will provide us with your service address, we will forward your emails to the correct National Grid office so that they can assist you with your account.

Sincerely,

National Grid Customer Service

My response:

Dear National Grid,

I will gladly do that for you.

**** St. *********'s *******, Apt *

Brooklyn, NY *****

Take care,

Greg

(You know I'm not going to post my address.)

National Grid Part 3

At least they reply in a timely fashion.

Dear Greg,

You are having trouble accessing your account because you are on the wrong National Grid website.

To access your account, please go to our corporate website www.nationalgridus.com and click on the county your Natural Gas service is located in.

Sincerely,

National Grid Customer Service

My response.

Dear National Grid,

I'm guessing that the person who just responded to my email and the person who responded to my previous email are not the same. I am not having problems accessing my account online. I am having problems with how you conduct business, and now, how you respond to customer service complaints.

Also, I tried to pay my bill at one of your payment centers today because you have banned me from paying online and from mailing you a check. The kind gentlemen at the payment center informed me that I need a 14-digit account number to pay that bill. However, the number you print on my bills is only 10-digits. Can you perhaps see how this is both annoying and would lead to late payments by your customers? Of course, I realize that it is much more profitable for your business and its shareholders to ruin the credit of hard-working, responsible people like myself who try to pay their bills on time and instead run in to superfluous obstacles for which there are no paths of recourse other than to send obnoxious, snarky emails. And for this reason, I also understand that you don't care.

Rather than recap everything I've already explained via email and over the phone, I will simply copy and paste our previous correspondences in hopes that whatever new customer service representative gets this email can understand the entire situation and respond accordingly.

Below is my original email submitted via your website:

(I'll spare you reading that again. See an earlier post.)

The rest you should be able to find below in the "quoted text." If not, let me know and I will gladly fill you in.

Take care,

Greg

Round 2 with National Grid

National Grid's response to my email:

Dear Greg,

We were unable to locate your account number ********** on our records to see what happened on your account.

Please check the account number so we can review your account.

Sincerely,

National Grid Customer Service

And my response to theirs:

Dear National Grid,

It seems rather unbelievable to me that you cannot locate my account based on the number I gave you considering all I did was copy and paste that number from the ebill you send me every month. Or rather, the ebill you send me two-to-four-times a month that never has the same balance on it. If you could give it another try, I'd appreciate it.

Here is the account number again: **********

Take care,

Greg

The Importance of Customer Relations

National Grid, my natural gas provider, is a large corporate utility that has a monopoly on Brooklyn. As such, they don't have to give a shit about whether people like dealing with them or how their customer service ranks in comparison to competitors because, in the local market, they have none.

Due to a mistake on my part, as well as the unfortunate coincidence of both the USPS and Capital One Bank sucking at the same time, I have been locked out of both paying my bill online and paying my bill by check via snail mail. I am now forced to either pay by credit card, which comes with a $2.25 transaction fee per bill, money order, which also requires a fee, or pay in person, with cash. I spoke with a customer service representative yesterday who failed to grasp how punishing people so heavily for simple mistakes, some of which aren't even the customer's fault, will just lead to more mistakes as it becomes more and more difficult to pay bills on time. She didn't seem to care much about what I thought. As a result, I decided to send an email to National Grid with my thoughts regarding the matter.

I don't have a question, but rather, a suggestion.

I made a mistake typing in the bank account number when I first set up my online bill payment for my gas bill for National Grid. I now cannot make any payments online. I mailed National Grid a check at the end of February that did not end up making it to National Grid until the beginning of April. Fearing that the check had fallen into the wrong hands or was lost forever, I put a stop payment on the check in March and mailed you another check that was processed a few days later and covered the entire balance on my bill. The initial check with the stop payment order made it to you on April 4th when it was processed. It then took Capitol One, the bank that carries my checking account, 20 days to inform you that the check had been canceled, at which point you placed a ban on receiving any checks from me by mail.

I'm sure someone in your corporation has brought this up, but in case they haven't, I would like to point out how backwards this is in regards to preventing more occurrences of failed or mistaken payments for your customers. Because you have locked out both my online payment option and my ability to mail you a check, it has now become unbelievably difficult for me to pay my bill on time, as I have two roommates to collect payment from and then have to use my lunch break to travel by foot to a payment center. While I accept responsibility for not being more careful in my online payments, there is no actual fault on my part (or yours) for the mishap with mailing the check, except the unfortunate coincidence that both the USPS and Capital One suck.

While I realize you probably don't give a damn whether your customers are happy with you or not because you are a large utility corporation and I have no other option but to do business with you if I want heat, hot water and gas to cook with, but I thought I would take a few minutes out of my time to try and plead my case with whatever shred of human decency you may have left.

I'm tired of dealing with your backwards customer relations policies and plan on doing whatever I can to avoid having to do business with you ever again.

Take care,

Greg

Deemed Too Dense and Intellectual for a Beer Ad

Every culture is born from chaos.

The seeds of culture can only be planted in soil rich with turmoil. From this, we are forced to create order and redefine who we are. Everything we do from that point on is a contribution to our collective identity. An identity that accumulates with every action we take and every word we say. It becomes an entity of its own that remains forever fluid in a world of change. It is impossible to define, but we all know what it is. It is what makes us who we are. It is our icon, our ideal, our idol. From chaos, we create our own culture. With soft artesian water, hops and barley, we made our contribution.

Green-Washing, Corporate Bullshit and How "Certified Organic" Apparently Means Nothing

...or rather, how I learned that most persons and businesses have no problem compromising values and outright lying to make more money.

Recently, it was brought to my attention, with no uncertainty, that "Certified Organic," and in particular, "Organic" Milk, means nothing. I was skeptical, so I did a bit of research. Lo and behold, it is true. "Certified Organic" really does mean nothing, at least when it comes to the milk brands I've been buying.

Seems like I wasn't the only one who was curious.

However, this raises a much bigger concern for me; one that I am a bit embarrassed to consider because of how much of a cynic and skeptic I think myself to be. Even with my limited income, I've been trying more and more to be a responsible consumer: buying organic or natural produce and meats; drinking organic milk; reusing plastic bags until they start to fall apart from wear-and-tear, then using them to pick up my dogs poo; pretty much moving toward a more natural diet and purchasing routine to the extent that my wallet will allow. I put faith in what companies were labeling as all-natural or organic, and charging more for, was actually natural or organic. But it seems that I have been duped. Which inevitably led to a temporary feeling of frustration and helplessness - even when I was trying to do right by the world and go the extra mile, I fell short. Not because of my inability to break habits, but because it is in the interest of business to lie and deceive to continue to grow, or at least maintain, profit-margins. It is rather despicable. And knowing that its been going on in the beer market for the last couple of years with the release of Michelob's line of "craft beer" and its brethren of "knock-off craft beers," I perhaps felt even like more of a fool think it couldn't happen in other categories. But this is the ugly reality of capitalism. Rather than innovate, we deceive and play on consumers' ignorance, apathy and laziness. And, admittedly, I am a part of this world.

Lacking a solution, or rather, a bit lost in my own disappointment, I asked a co-worker what he does to try to be a better consumer. "Do a lot of research. Buy things at farmer's markets." Makes sense. With a note of sarcasm, I asked, "So basically, no product that claims to be organic that's sold outside of a local market is actually organic, huh? You have to compromise quality and ethics to grow to that level of success?" Him being perhaps a bigger skeptic than myself, replied, "Yeah. Pretty much."

What I have failed to understand in this regard is that people have already shown they are willing to pay more for responsibly-grown and/or produced food. Why is it so hard for a company to have a conscience? Money is great, but when we're living on a scorched earth unable to produce even the most basic of necessities, what good is that money going to do you? To steal a line from a video game I've been playing as of late "What's the point of having all that treasure? Ain't nothing here but dirt, mud and guns." We should all keep this in mind, as advertisers and as companies producing and selling goods to other people: being wealthy and rich is great and all, but if we keep compromising the most basic morals and tenets of being a good human being and a good citizen, there won't be a society or a government to give that paper money any value and there won't be a planet worth living on to reap the benefits of all those riches. Preachy. Yikes!

So, to the farmer's market I will be going this Saturday. At least there is still a place to go when you do care.

The Annoyances of Job Searching, or

why do I need to have an undying passion for my job that I should feel requires me to work longer hours, sacrifice my personal life and compromise my integrity without any sort of extra financial compensation?

I will never, for the life of me, understand why it is expected of employees to always be excited about their job, to love their job endlessly and to be willing to sacrifice everything for the sake of a job. Perhaps this is because, in my short life, I have failed to enjoy most of the jobs I have had for any appreciable length of time. However, I've always been under the impression that even if you ARE passionate about your work and love your job, that doesn't mean you become your boss's or company's bitch whenever they demand it without being compensated in some way for the extra time you are putting in. I understand that when you're a salaried employee, OT isn't always an option. Still, I feel a bit put off, perhaps alienated, when I read job descriptions that openly state that employees will be EXPECTED to work long hours, be on call 24 hours a day, etc., and have a serious passion for the job that goes far beyond a professional setting. Are there actually people in this world who are like that? Are there enough people like that that employers can weed out those who aren't and staff entire companies?

Don't get me wrong. I feel like I have a great work ethic. I don't generally like to half-ass things or put something out in to the world that I'm not proud of. I love to write. I love to create. And given the choice of going back to restaurant work and making more money, or sticking out my current situation, I'd prefer to stick out my current situation even though it, at times, becomes intolerable. But I fail to grasp when it became acceptable for a company to demand that my job become the most important thing in my life; that my job IS my life and becomes who I am. None of those, I think, should ever be the case (unless someone pays you to be alive).

I get that companies want the best employees who do have a passion for their work. I just don't understand why every aspect of a job is supposed to get me excited, or why I am supposed to walk around all smiles and sunshine every day I'm at work, regardless of what is going on in my personal or professional life. If that's how its supposed to be, perhaps I should just work from home.

Long Time.

Hope you haven't given up on me.

The drought in posts is in part to my new "position" as a contributing writer on TheBeerSessions.com, where I write a review once a week. That being said, I won't be posting reviews of beer on this blog anymore. You can find all of my thoughts on the beers I drink at TheBeerSession.com. If you're nice, maybe I'll post the links here. And by maybe, I mean I will.

Drink it up, buttercup.

Bad News

I just learned that the following brewers are partly or fully owned by Anheuser Busch-InBev:

Goose Island (just sold to AB-InBev)

Widmer Brothers

Redhook

Redbridge

As such, they have been added to my brand boycott list.

Which sucks because I love three of those four breweries (never had Redbridge).

Might have to stop on my way home and get some Goose Island before the deal is done.

A Quick Thought

Advertising is a business so caught up in getting things done, it often forgets what it is its supposed to be doing.

Anti-Smoking Campaigns*

I don't smoke. In my entire lifetime, I've only ever smoked anything once: It was flavored tobacco in a hookah lamp during 2006. In my opinion, smoking is a gross, disgusting habit that I will never be able to understand. For a while, I was extremely bitter toward smokers because they were ruining a perfectly good set of lungs while I had to constantly deal with asthma (and my asthma isn't even that bad). I later realized that I didn't have much ground to maintain that bitterness because I ruin a perfectly good liver every time I drink beer. And I'm not about to give that up.

The point is, I very much would like to see the number of smokers in the world decrease, especially when it comes to the people I care about. I don't like smoking. And yet, with every new anti-smoking campaign that comes out, especially the ones put out by the State of New York, I find myself more and more alienated and irritated. To the point that looking at the ads makes me want to buy a pack of cigarettes, light one, and then put it out in someone's eye. Or at least use it to burn holes in the terrible ads. I really began to consider why someone such as myself, who used to be so adamantly anti-smoking, could become so anti- anti-smoking campaigns. My reasoning is as follows:

1) Personal change:

While I am rather annoyed when people smoke around me because they are damaging my health as well as theirs, there isn't much I can do about it outside of taking the cigarette out of their mouth or hand and putting it out. I did that once to a friend. I thought she was going to kill me. (She probably should've. Them shits is expensive.) Also, ultimately, deciding to smoke is a personal choice. We all have to die from something, and we're all well aware of the health risks. If you really want to smoke knowing what it does to your insides, you're going to do it and there won't be much that will change that. I've accepted it.

2) Related to the above, everyone is well aware that smoking does horrible things to your body and your health. Everyone is well aware of how much your life expectancy can become much shorter if you smoke. Everyone is well aware of how much it makes you smell, how it yellows your teeth and nails and how many people are turned off by it. Knowing all of that, if people still decide to smoke, they're going to smoke. And no amount of advertising is going to deter them. The strategies are out-dated. People know they should quit. Many people try and fail every year. Other succeed. What we should be doing with anti-smoking campaigns rather than guilting people into quitting or grossing them out with pictures of diseased lungs, is offering them support. Let them know they're doing a great job. Nicorette had a great campaign with different characters attached to a "Suck-o-meter" that registered how much it sucked to quit smoking. Then, they popped a piece of Nicorette and the Suck-o-meter went down because quitting sucked less. That's the tone anti-smoking campaigns should have. I don't even smoke and I'm sick of the condescending tone and disease-infested organs plastered everywhere. And I'm sick of the guilt- and shame-inducing headlines I see on TV and in the subway. It's enough. It's not working.** Get it out of everyone's face.

*Full disclosure: I own stock in a holding company whose main business is cigarette production, distribution and sales

**In fact, studies have shown that anti-smoking ads INCREASE usage among current smokers.